You're so vain . . . you probably think this column's about you

(7.16.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

Don't you? We all know a few people who are a little bit self-absorbed. In fact, the world seems to revolve around plenty of people who fail to see the forest for the trees because they're too busy looking at their own branches. The inability to empathize is a maddening condition that affects everyone on occasion and, sadly, is far from curable.

Pretty much if you are not a thoughtful, caring, reasonable and honest person some of the time, odds are you are an arrogant idiot most of the time and deserve a public lashing. Technically (and legally) we're not allowed to do that, which is a shame because I'd be the first to set up shop with a whipping post. Beating sense into the senseless would surely be a booming business but for now, verbal lashings will have to do.

Now I understand that it is somewhat normal to be a little bit self-absorbed and, admittedly, at times even I can be overly concerned with yours truly. After all, we have to be selfish now and then in order to care for ourselves and our families, but there is a huge difference between self-awareness and self-absorption, and I suggest everyone take a little time to note the difference.

For example, checking a colorful weekly publication thoroughly to see if any photos were published of yourself could be considered as being self-aware. On the other hand, creating a colorful weekly publication to ensure your photo will be published is a tad on the self-absorbed side. I'm just saying ...

When you are self-absorbed, most if not all of your conversations are regarding your accomplishments and you're often caught tooting your own horn. In fact, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you even brag about being an awesome horn-tooter, the newest Prada bag and a black belt in tae kwon do. Generally, conversations rarely stray from topics you choose, and if they do, you shamelessly insert yourself back into the limelight right on cue. True?

Speaking of shame, some of the seriously selfish don't put a lot of time or energy into their appearance, manners or relationships. Why? Simply because they feel they don't have to. They're fantastic enough as it is and those in their presence should be honored they have the privilege. Please. You can often fool a few minions with your confidence, but when your true colors start to show, you ditch the non-believers and move on without a fight; "if you don't think I'm fabulous, someone else surely will," and on goes the cycle of the plagued people who will never learn.

What about the "one-uppers?" And I'm guessing we're all guilty of committing this faux pas once or twice. But seriously people, no one likes a show off, especially if you are a frequent offender. "Oh, your canoe trip sounds lovely, but I just got back from Tibet where I hung out with the Dalai Lama." If you religiously trump other people's stories to the point of being predictable, take notice ... because others definitely are.

And I think it's safe to say that we've all encountered plenty of individuals who haven't lost an argument in their entire life, or at least in their own huge heads. But let me tell you, just because you're righteous doesn't make you right and similarly, just because you have a few accomplishments under your belt doesn't make you accomplished.

I'll admit that I've gotten carried away while chatting about my joys and sorrows and failed to ask others about theirs. But I quickly take notice and remedy the situation and certainly try not to make a habit out of it. We have friends in order to share our triumphs, vent to when angry, and lean on when sad ... and we are expected to reciprocate. There doesn't need to be a running tally of who owes whom a favor, but if you're only calling your "friends" when you need someone to help you move, it's no secret and it's not very endearing.

Neither is constantly reminding anyone who will listen how amazing you are, what hobbies you enjoy and how you like your coffee. Bring a little more to the table. Inquire about what's going on in the lives of others and kindly pay attention to what you can offer the world and those around you.

There are those who have accumulated and, most importantly, nurtured their friendships over a lifetime, and those who juggle acquaintances when circumstances are pleasant or profitable for them. It's never too late to profit from being pleasant to people, because no matter how good you are at juggling, even you will drop the ball from time to time.

And for those of you who have "You're so vain" stuck in your head, you're welcome, and don't worry, I wasn't talking about you ...

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail Trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

We’re going to party like it’s 1999 or 2009 . . . Or simply because it’s Thursday!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(7.9.09)

As we all know, parties just don’t make themselves. In fact, it’s the people that make the parties and I’ll be the first to admit that because of all of the parties going on in this town, it doesn’t take long for the people to get pooped.

There is a lot of careful planning and preparation that goes into hosting a shindig leading some to believe that it is best to be just a guest, which is still work by the way. However, on other occasions, nothing is better than being the guest of honor or the host with the most and showing off your ability to entertain.

Except for the clean up aspect, which can be like a crime scene investigation that’s full of interesting clues and embarrassing realizations. Did someone really try and make a bloody Mary with Heinz ketchup? And seriously, who thought it would be fun to make mustard ice cubes?

Anyhow, for those of us who call the Southernmost island our home, there are plenty of opportunities to partake in a party or 30 a night, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

The social Mecca that is Key West is so jam packed with events that if you wanted to, you could celebrate something new every day and pretty much live party to party without ever having to grocery shop.

The hustle and bustle of every day chores are often woven into the obligatory chore of making it to a Christmas party, Fantasy Fest, wine tasting, birthday, art show or picnic. Not too mention the beach gatherings, dinner parties, reunions and weddings we’re expected to attend. When you are a friend to many, it means that your “spare” time becomes “their” time, but for the most part you’ll wind up having a good time, so we really shouldn’t complain. (Unless I’m in desperate need of some Traci time after going weeks without sitting on my couch watching the Comcastic cable I pay so much for).

While there are events and parties every day in every town, I must commend the community in the Keys for the ability to both plan and execute fantastic fiestas for all ages. Eventhough very few of us tend to grow up.

Case in point: I remember my mom asking me what I wanted for my 25th birthday and knowing immediately that I was in desperate need of a Slip N Slide if I was indeed going to be hosting a Slip N Slide party.

She couldn’t resist the urge to point out that a few of her friends were helping their daughters my age pick out wedding dresses, while she was hunting for a plastic toy for ages 4 and up. Nonetheless, she came through in the clutch, as did someone else so we had not one but TWO Slip N Slides to skid across, providing fun and pain that lasted for days.

There has also been a blow up bouncy castle birthday party, golf scrambles, pool parties, boat days, sleepovers, bachelorette parties . . . . Plus I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be more to come draining us all of our time, energy and funds.

So, due to limited funds and unlimited festivities, it’s safe to say that if I show up at your party empty handed, it means that I consider my presence to be your present! And rest assured that when my day of birth rolls around in late September, you’re welcome to do the same - show up and smile!

In the meantime, here’s a little present for everyone that is free, fabulous and already provided me with endless hours of entertainment . . . The Web site: textsfromlastnight.com.

A good party always provides a few lasting memories and while you may not remember much . . . Someone else will. So here is a preview of a few of the random, drunk texts people have received and shared on that Web site for our viewing pleasure . . . Enjoy!

“Rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. Twice.”

“I want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn”
“What?”
“I wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn”

“Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.”

“I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome”

“Got weed?”
“I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.”
“Sorry mom. . . “

To further Inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com and to catch up on past ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

These are the Days of our Lives . . . make em good!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(7.2.09)

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives” ~ Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

Why is it that most people only start paying attention to their money when they start running out of it? And I’ll also be the first to say, that also seems to be the case when people start running out of time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve used this very space to advocate the art of procrastination and believe a little is necessary for one‘s own sanity, but I also wonder if at times it has gotten a little too out of hand?

Are we a generation so plagued by procrastination that we float through life waiting for random things to fall from space instead of actively orchestrating what’s taking place? Have we gotten a little too comfortable on island time and realized that time has gotten away from us?

If that is the case, I’m going to say that right now, more than ever, it is the perfect time to seize the day instead of merely waiting for things to go your way. Let’s face it people, we’re not getting any younger and “A year from now you will wish you had started today,” - said Karen Lamb.

Whether that’s about saving money, exercising, going back to school, or whatever the case may be, get the ball rolling because:

1.) The economy is in the toilet so we should be getting extremely motivated about making more money and spending way less, and 2.) People, both real and famous, have been dropping like flies lately so it wouldn’t be a bad time to throw a little Carpe Diem into the mix before our own time runs out.

"Seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow", goes the ode, warning that the future is unknowable, and that all we are promised is the gift of the present. As well as the gift of other people’s presence in our present, if that makes sense. Parents, grandparents, friends, co-workers, pets and acquaintances share life’s stage with us for a limited time only and we should be grateful for all they contribute, and even say so on occasion.

So yes, this little mind game of carpe diem is to ensure that you have the most amazing life by tricking/motivating yourself into believing every day could be your last. How uplifting. But when you think about the uncertainty of every single thing we encounter, life in general should be lived with a little more edge because you just never know which way things could go.

You should start as many projects as possible, read whatever you can get your hands on, talk to as many people as you can stand and get as much done as your energy will allow.

Am I suggesting that we all be a little more polite, responsible, active and patient in our daily endeavors? Well mostly, but how in the hell are you supposed to be patient when it could be your last day on earth? Seriously?

While I definitely think that we should take more time to savor the small things and put a little more planning into the bigger things, I also think we need to exist with just a little more enthusiasm altogether. Be real about whatever it is that you feel, and be proud of your accomplishments, both completed and those to come.

Now if I died tomorrow, would I be completely satisfied and thrilled with this last column? Not exactly. Let’s just say that I know this is no Pulitzer Prize winner, but at least I finished it. And truth be told, if even one person decided to seize the day with a little more conviction than they used yesterday, I’d be pretty happy. It’s easy to get comfortable in general, but sometimes you have to work at getting comfortable with yourself.

So, as William James smartly said “To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

Now if you decide that your last day on earth is still going to be spent with a few moments of procrastination sprinkled in, allow me to offer you at least one suggestion: Awkwardfamilyphotos.com.

This Web site that is guaranteed to make you laugh, appreciate your family no matter how weird they are, and waste just a little bit of time in your day before you get to seizing it.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com

Island fever ~ the call it sister season for a reason!

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork

(6.25.09)

On this island, you can’t escape the ex-factor. Everyone you know at one time or another dated someone else you known and there are tangled webs everywhere you look. Even more so in the summer.

Admit it. Everyone has an ex who dated someone they know or disapprove of. Sometimes unfortunately, this occurs while they are still dating you, and this often goes down in the summer. Whether it is a best friend, acquaintance, co-worker or sister - It seems that people in this town change partners more than square dancers, and everyone gets caught in the chaos at some point in time. So be grateful if this isn’t your year in the sordid spotlight, but be prepared to help someone who is - it is June after all, and July generally isn’t any better.

Think about it. Those of us who have lived in Key West for awhile can attest to the fact that this island is incredibly small. Everyone’s business quickly becomes everyone else’s business - and even more so in the summer. That’s when the Africa heat along with the constant threat of hurricanes keep the tourists at bay.

While there might be thousands of eligible bachelors/bachelorettes out there who don’t come with obvious baggage, plenty of people are going to do what they want to do regardless of the fallout, or any warnings they’ve been offered. They choose the spotlight.

This predictable phenomenon is nothing new (here or anywhere else in the world) and has been referred to as the “sister season” by many old-timers. This is a sultry season where conflicts of interest arise, summertime scandals come alive and friendships often falter because of inappropriate liaisons - sometimes even between sister. Now don’t get me wrong, the trauma of drama rears its’ ugly head year round in plenty of relationships - but I must say that summertime is just a little bit hotter in the tropics.

As we speak, porches around town are overflowing with cocktails and conversation about the budding romances and questionable relationships that are taking place, some way more drastic than others. Right now, plenty of people are discussing what’s politically correct, what’s socially acceptable, and ultimately who is in the wrong…for now. Before you start writing in to say you’re better than that and have more important things to talk about…congratulations….you’re probably a liar and have very boring dinner parties.

Now Key West is a lot like high school, only more equivalent to a college campus both in size and population. After a few years on the island, things start to get a little too familiar. Assuming you’re paying attention, which you’re pretty much forced to do, you can quickly find six degrees of separation (or usually less) between anyone and easily connect the dots between just about everyone you know. Gross!

Just like the tabloids where they list every flame Hollywood stars have dated since the beginning of time. They live in a fishbowl and everyone is kept up to date with their current situations, as well as past endeavors, much like the Key West community. It doesn’t take much to be instantly briefed on the relationship rundown of anyone on the island . . . Just ask. Someone will immediately catch you up - whether they know what they’re talking about or not.

As the Conch Crawls….and as time goes by, the old scandals become disposable as the new ones quickly start taking their place. It’s amazing how interested and involved a community can become and how very necessary friends can be, when one is faced with adversary.

Sometimes it’s harder to get rid of the wrong one than it is to find the right one. I can’t tell you how many deserving, amazing and intelligent women have been stuck with a schmuck for WAY too long. That is until “Dump the Chump” support groups are resurrected and the troops swoop in with champagne to help with the healing. It often takes a village to get rid of the idiot.

We’ve all rolled our eyes when a predictable friend gives the “I’m never talking to him again, this time it’s so over,” speech. Only to find her walking hand in hand days later with Shady McShaderson after hours of careful evaluation proved that he has no redeeming qualities and somewhat of a lisp. . . Help her!

There are a million different Web sites such as E Harmony and Match.com which are designed to put together a compatible couple and give them a happily ever after. Too bad there are probably more people in the world dealing with breakups instead, which coincidentally require just as much of a commitment (if not more) than the relationship themselves. But until someone invents break-up boot camp and dating for dummies, we’re stuck listening to the advise of friends who love us . . . And go figure . . . some even have firsthand knowledge on the subject.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

You made your bed . . . Now sleep in it . . . Or at least try!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.18.09)

Clean sheets, fluffed pillows, a slight breeze and silence.

I’ll be the first to admit that there’s nothing better than preparing for and executing a luxurious night of restful slumber.

“There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep” - Edgar Watson Howe said.

Not a lackadaisical lounge on the couch or a cat-nap with the radio on, but the well-planned and uninterrupted hibernation that we all need and deserve. (Provided our crazy dreams don’t get in the way).

So why is it that for some reason, there are a million things in the world that disrupt this privilege? Snoring, roosters, upstairs neighbors playing high heeled relays, trash men, and that’s just to name a few. Oh how annoying each one is individually, and collectively, they could push a sane person over the edge.

The worst would have to be snoring. The loud, annoying proof that someone within earshot is obviously asleep. Women have resorted to holding their husband’s noses shut, making them wear mouth guards or driving a good old fashioned knee to the back - whatever works. But generally the window of quiet opportunity closes quickly, so hurry and doze off before the roosters start.

And even more annoying than a rooster crowing, is a rooster who sucks at crowing. That’s what I like to call a “cock-a-doodle-don’t”. Let’s just say that not everybody should be allowed to welcome the rising sun, but that doesn’t stop the garbage men does it? While I appreciate their service greatly, why was it decided that 5 a.m. was the most opportune time to shake huge metal bins filled with thousands of glass bottles up and down the street? I’m sure there’s a logical reason, I just find it a bit inconvenient, that’s all.

Now every once and awhile, we all have to take the blame for psyching ourselves out to the point of alertness, thus sabotaging our chance at a sleeping oasis.

Either you’re leaving on trip the next day, you have a big test or a job interview, whatever the case, nights prior to these events are often sleepless. You’re too excited. You can’t stop running through your mental ‘to do’ list and keep checking the clock and doing the math to see how many hours of sleep you’ll get if you fell asleep right now! Forget about it - our active minds ruin any chance of sleep for our tired bodies and we’re left helpless.

It seems that when we need sleep the most, that’s when we’re unable to grasp any because the pressure is on. And then of course, when the pressure is on and we’re required to tackle other necessary obligations, we’re extremely exhausted and can barely keep our eyes open. It’s a double edged sword - can’t sleep when you’re supposed to, can’t help sleeping when you’re not.

And don’t you just love it when you finally fall asleep but you spend the entire night slinking through dark, musty alleys hiding from ninjas that want your sword, which turns into a butter knife before flying away as a butterfly? Yeah - crazy, random, intense dreams that drain your strength, waste your energy, and make you question your mental health - especially if you dare to share them out loud.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but no matter how excited you are to tell someone about a dream you had about them, they’ll never care half as much as you do about it. Sure, they may be flattered that you thought of them in a subconscious state, but it always comes out sounding like a crazy acid trip braided with reality that unravels the second you start re-telling it. So keep a dream journal if you wish, but don’t necessarily feel compelled to keep everyone posted when they have a cameo in one of your demented dreams. “You were you, but then you turned into LC from the Hills and I was mad at you because you slept with Sam who was staying with me in Vegas, but I think it was California because there was a beach with a water slide and ….”. You’ve lost me. . . Just stop.

Now Lucid Dreaming is an interesting topic I learned about in a psychology class and studied profusely. However I failed miserably at actually becoming the puppeteer of my own imagination. It’s just not an easy feat to lasso our minds and force places and faces to make sense. That’s just not the way it works. You wait all day to go to sleep and then gamble with the subject matter every night.…sometimes resting can be exhausting.

So relish the times you‘re able to clutch on to 8 hours of restful slumber, and if you want to be a good tourist and help a local sleep… take a rooster home with you.

To further inform Miss Informed, please e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

I’m not going to name names…but I saw you doing the walk of shame

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.11.09)

On occasion and for several different reasons, people sometimes fail to make it home at night. Late parties with friends, the unexpected love connection and alcohol are all often to blame for a little phenomenon we know as the walk of shame.

Whether it's a walk, more of a jog or even a scooter ride, spotting someone on the walk of shame in this town is like playing a 3-D version of Where's Waldo. It could actually be a sport. Smeared make-up, crazy bed head and an ensemble not intended for breakfast are dead giveaways that someone didn't quite make it home the night before. More than once, I've seen barefoot girls in their party clothes squinting at the sun and looking up and down Duval Street, trying to remember where their hotel is. Now, the island is only 4 by 2 miles wide, but that sure seems big when people are trying to wander back to where they belong (usually without sunglasses, in some sort of hung over pain and harboring feelings of remorse).

Just on a quick, early morning bike ride for coffee, one can stumble across several people sneaking through the streets trying to get out of their limbo: somewhere between saying goodbye to the night and hello to the morning. One can hope and pray that the morning is the only thing you'll have to greet but in this town that's unlikely so be prepared to die of embarrassment. The path from where you are to where you need to be can seem daunting but gather your belongings, suck it up and get it over with.

People often go on these early morning parades surrounded by the smell of alcohol and cigarettes, wearing the familiar fashions of the evening before, or sporting an oversized shacker shirt that the fellas never ever get back. Sometimes shamers are spotted holding their high heels as they meander home to the sound of the roosters. And on other occasions, they're empty handed as it seems they lost their shoes, along with their purse, cell phones and dignity. This happens on college campuses daily and quite possibly on an hourly basis in Key West, so keep your eyes peeled.

The scooter shamers go by fast but are the best to spot because they offer the most info. You not only get to see "Mary Jane" being driven home early in the morning, but you also get to see who she's clinging to.

And how very nice of the guys who assist the ladies in getting home, but pay attention to the route they choose in doing so. Did they proudly cart you down White Street or were back roads chosen as a means to avoid witnesses? I'm just saying...

Sometimes this dreaded phenomenon takes place after Halloween or Fantasy Fest when costumes come into play. That's when things get really interesting. And just so you know, it's impossible to make it from point A to point B under the radar when you're dressed like Spongebob Squarepants. As far as the spectators go, these are the most rewarding walks to witness or even assist with, as I had the pleasure of doing in college after a Pimps and Ho's fraternity party.

The phone call went something like this at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning. "Dude, you so have to come pick me up at the Sigma Chi house -- there is no way I'm walking through the quad in a mini skirt and knee-high boots ... please ... I'll love you forever," my friend Jenny whispered into the phone so as not to wake any of our fratastic friends. Of course I showed up to her rescue and while she appreciated having someone to share the shame with over some laughs, she didn't appreciate me honking the horn while I was out front. It couldn't be helped.

Anyhow, the phrase "walk of shame" is defined as "a phenomenon in which a person must walk past strangers or peers alone for an embarrassing reason before reaching a place of privacy."

Since it's a common situation that many face over time, some crafty creators are marketing "Walk of Shame Kits" with proceeds going to benefit Breast Cancer Foundations. The backpack includes a rolled up dress, flip flops, sunglasses, a pre-pasted toothbrush, wipes, call/don't call leave-behind note cards, and a breast cancer awareness bracelet. Seriously? Who is going to set out for a night on the town with a slut bag strapped to their back?

So now that we've talked about the walk, I propose we all play a little game called the "Walk of Shame Hall of Fame" and start comparing stories.

To further inform Miss Informed e-mail trork@ keysnews.com.

Nice can only get you so far . . . Spice can take you the rest of the way.

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.4.09)

According to the movie Bambi and skunk named Thumper, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

(Cue the cricket sounds).

Too bad if we all followed that advice, we’d be living in a pretty silent world and Miss Informed’s column would end right here. That is not because we are mean-spirited people, but rather because it’s unavoidable and healthy to let your feelings out and purge yourself from frustration whenever possible.

A few people in history have also used the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me!” I certainly appreciate this quote better and have found it far more fitting and realistic.

There are generally two types of emotions that prompt a person to go off on a tangent: Anger and happiness. Think about it, every day when you interact with people they’re either polite and short - offering normal and generic greetings… or they can’t tell you enough about their upcoming wedding/divorce. We are more likely to share our feelings and situations with others when they reach the extreme ends of the spectrum. The most entertaining stories include the best of times or the worst of times. and truth be told, I personally think that the worst of times holds an audience better.

In the past, when I’ve used this space as a venting vault, the words seemed to fly onto the page as I effortlessly reached the desired word count before I felt like I’d even made a dent in the topic. Go figure. Thoughts just flow like a stream when you’re blowing off steam…

Case in point: The Citizen’s Voice. A voicemail box where one can vent anonymously and as often and freely as they’d like. And trust me, there’s never been a shortage of material for that column and editors never have a problem filling that space. Be it the roosters or people failing to pick up their dog’s crap, when we are pissed is when we’re most likely to speak up.

It’s just so easy to go on and on about a bad day where you stepped in gum, your bike got stolen and you found out that Damn Good Foods was going to be closed for a bit. Wa wa wa … we are surrounded by Debbie Downers daily and eventually, we all morph into her on occasion. I’m here to tell you - that’s okay.

I saw a bumper stick once that said “Women don’t burp, fart or poop, therefore they must bitch or they’d explode.”

Our complaints, and those coming from the men as well, are expected and welcomed by others who likely have a few things they’d like to get off their chest. It usually isn’t hard to find a companion to scratch an itch with, especially in this town where like-minded people are generally miffed about the same topics.

On the other hand, I’m a Libra, which means I would love nothing more than to appease everyone and keep everything on an even keel. While of course this is an unrealistic goal, it is even more far-fetched now that my aptly named column “Miss Informed” debuted and I’ve been allowed to ramble on about whatever.

Every week it’s guaranteed that I will prompt a reader to become a writer and make me fully aware of my Miss Takes and Miss Prints. Thankfully, for my sanity and entertainment, plenty of people write in to agree with me and tell their own stories, which are extremely appreciated and often hilarious.

In a small town such as Key West, it is important that we try our best not to step on anyone’s toes and avoid weaving any tangled webs. However, it is also important that we exercise our sense of humor and offer our opinions, whatever they may be . . . and I’m not going to lie, I’ve found that if you’re not Miss Behaving too badly, you can get away with some Miss Chief every once and awhile.

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort,” - Herm Albright.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

Editor’s note: The resort mentioned in last week’s column does offer locals VIP treatment and access to the pools and spas if they purchase an exclusive lifetime membership. There is a one time initiation fee of $5,500 with a monthly rate of $250. From July 5 through September, all interested locals and a friend are invited to come in for a free day pass and legitimately take advantage of the hotel’s amenities. For more information, call 305.293.6201 or email thebeachclub@luxuryresorts.com.

Damn it feels good to be a local!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(5.28.09)

I plan on using this space for good and not evil. To offer insightful outlooks, wonderment and curious observations...a nd most of the time I will. But on other occasions, someone or
something in this town infuriates me and I’m tempted to publicly vent.
Currently ~ I am still peeved…so bare with me for just a moment as I vent for just a bit.

I won’t name any names, but a security guard at a large hotel that rhymes with Nasa Arena asked that I leave the pool with my friends because we were not guests.
There were three of us. We all bought drinks, tipped well and were nursing hangovers thus far from rowdy.

However after an hour or so, we were told that we were no longer welcome. What! I was
tempted to start name dropping people I knew who worked at the resort and inform the guard that two out of the three of us used to work there as well. But I simply grabbed our stuff and left in a huff without argument and wondered what these people were thinking.

It's officially summer guys - where’s your local spirit?

Two days earlier at the same stunning establishment, three of us received the exact opposite treatment. We were soaking in the rays and sipping deliciously frozen cocktails awarded to us by the friendly bartender . . . and given a local discount. We tipped well, took care of Bob the towel guy and had a splendid day by the pool. Plus, there were still ample spots available for hotel guests so we weren’t cramping anyone else’s style either. It was perfect.

The next trip…not so much. As I mentioned, it’s summer, so all of the Key West establishments are going to need the locals to keep the ball rolling during the slow season. And trust me, word travels fast when our pride is sequestered.

Now that the island has reached African temperatures, we all sport glistening faces, rosy cheeks and slightly damp attire. We work too much and too often so when it comes
to our days off, we treat ourselves - and rightly so. We are pool, boat or beach bound. We realize that submerging oneself in water is one of two ways to squelch the flames within, and holing up inside with the AC blaring and the blinds drawn is not exactly the most social option.

From personal experience, I know that there are a plethora of pools, restaurants, resorts and shops around town that not only welcome the loyal locals, they also reward them with discounts and special treatment. Terms of endearment intended to pamper the people who live, work and play here. Plus, we also have frequent visitors and are often asked by random people the best of the best in Key West. And let's be honest, we are not shy about dishing out our likes, dislikes and sheer hatred for certain establishments.

For the most part, all of my friends are in, or used to be in, the service industry, including yours truly. We know the drill - the long, fast, furious days/nights dealing with less than stellar, stereotypical tourists who sometimes ask questions unworthy of a response. But we have to answer and respond nicely nonetheless, because they pay our bills. But when a local arrives, they generally toss a heftier tip and give servers little if any grief.

Locals understand the daily grind and are generous because of it. They should not only be welcome, but I believe we should all be VIP.

On the other hand, I do understand that the guests at our hotels are paying a pretty penny to enjoy uninterupted use of their pools and beaches. But, I also understand that at this day in age and due to our country’s financial woes, many resorts are no where near capacity and could actually use a little extra business…who couldn’t?

I should also mention that there are many hotels in town that do offer local discounts at their spas and bars and that is how their acquire repeat customers and good street credit from the locals.

Locals: The people who live in a vacation destination but are constantly chased by nagging responsibilities. So I must say that it is lovely to be able to lose them all for a bit and drift away in thought and calmness at various places in paradise where we are welcome. If you work some place where locals are loved, let me know so perhaps next week I can inform my avid readers where they can go to receive the VIP treatment we all deserve.

And as I said before, I would rather use this column to promote kindness and not hang people out to dry when they ruffle my feathers. But just so you know, I have the
space . . . so remember this face! And be afraid . . . be very afraid . . . because if Miss Informed becomes Miss Treated, that could certainly be a big Miss Take!

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com

I was going to be a procrastinator….but decided it could wait ‘til later

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(5.21.09)

Last week I focused on seizing the day, which is something I wholeheartedly recommend doing . . . on occasion. But on other occasions, I think that it is perfectly acceptable and completely normal for one to do the exact opposite . . . Procrastinate.

The magnetic force that seizes your soul and drags your mind towards everything but the task at hand. Like when you’re supposed to be conducting a routine cleaning but somehow find yourself drawn to the junk drawer, meticulously sifting through stuff as if you’re mining for gold. Or when you’re supposed to be packing for a trip you end up trying on all of your clothes and cleaning out your closet until 3 a.m. It is the act of putting off, delaying or defering an action to a later time . . . It’s a nervous habit we exhibit when it’s time to get things accomplished and it is territory. . . Procrasti-nation.

This is a nation to which we all belong, so don’t even try and deny your citizenship. Think about it, even simple tasks like making a ‘to do’ lists are actually distractions from immediately starting or finishing a project. It’s unavoidable, especially considering the plethora of distractions available at our fingertips. In fact, I bet that while you’re reading this column there are a few chores or errands you’re momentarily postponing or avoiding. Don’t feel guilty, we all need to take a few mental vacations throughout the day, just don’t forget to check back in eventually.

Whether it’s looking up recipes, celebrity gossip, blogs, horoscopes, current events, videos, music or spending time in the devil’s playground (myspace, Facebook, or Twitter), be careful. These avenues are all time consuming ways to ensure that you get very little accomplished. I should know. I can’t even begin sit down and allow this column to present itself until I’ve wasted time and energy online….mostly on Facebook. It’s poison and it gives you a front row seat to everyone else’s lives while you take a break from yours.

Before I know it, I’m completely invested in birthday photos of a 2-year-old I’ve never met belonging to someone I may or may not have gone to high school with. Or I’ve spent way too much time skimming through photos of other people’s vacations or weddings or quizzes that determine what type of shoe they would be if they were indeed a shoe. I find myself hypnotized by the status updates that change constantly and keep one fully aware of who has an ear ache, who’s needs a coffee, a nap, a boyfriend, who hates Mondays and what everyone is doing for dinner. Sometimes they are funny and entertaining, but often this is just mindless and useless information that we absorb instead of focusing on other obligations of much more importance.

Like checking your horoscope, both in the paper and online, to see what kind of day it’s going to be for a Libra, or the rest of you folks. On a few occasions, mine has even promoted procrastination, suggesting I enjoy a nature walk or take a nap before tackling any duties . . . and who am I to argue with the stars?

That is until the panic sets in and I’m flirting with a deadline that needs to be met. In college, I actually turned in a final project for my video production class entitled “Sex can wait, don’t procrastinate”. It was a public service announcement about the dangers of waiting until the last minute to study. And . . .coincidentally it was filmed, edited and turned in at the last minute. I told the professor I wanted to end the semester with a bang and actually got one of the best grades in the class. Go figure. But sometimes we do our best work under pressure. You know, the whole ~ game’s tied, bases are loaded, two outs and you’re up to bat scenario.

But I’m honestly trying to make sure this doesn’t become a horrible habit.

At least this time while facebooking and delaying my column I can honestly say that I was conducting research…

To further inform Miss Informed, please e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

I took the plunge and you might as well, the world could end in 2012

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(5.14.09)

So last week on my boyfriend’s birthday, we did something crazy. Something that I’ve always wanted to experience and an event that I will cherish for the rest of my life ~ we went skydiving!

It was beautiful, exhilarating, epic and spiritual, and something that I am proud I had the nerve to accomplish. But if I hadn’t been advised to keep this impending adventure a secret from my mother and my logical friends, the outcome could have been much different as they would have talked me out of it immediately. And I must say that delivering the news after it had already successfully happened was much more rewarding for all parties involved.

Now a couple days after throwing myself out of a plane, the parents arrived in Key West to celebrate my mother’s birthday, which was closely followed by Mother‘s Day. They made the trek from Kansas to the tropics to visit their responsible daughter on her faraway island. Everyone generally curses the place I call home because no one ever makes it here for a visit unscathed. They always seem to have setbacks due to canceled flights or lost luggage, and this trip was no exception. So, after a strenuous day of mechanical problems and rerouted planes, they finally plopped down on the couch in my air-conditioned apartment and had a moment to relax. That is until I informed them that I had recently jumped out of a plane at 10,000 feet and wanted to show them the DVD. Oh joy.

Needless to say, mom was less than thrilled to watch a video of her little girl dangling out of a tiny plane before leaping into the sky, high above the clouds with her life in the hands of a South African named Brutus strapped to her back. My dad on the other hand, was more supportive of yet another one of my crazy adventures, which has always been the case when compared to my rational mother.

As she paced around with her blood pressure rising, I had to remind her that the deed is done and I’m still alive ~ happy birthday! She’s been through a lot over the years so she is sort of getting used to my brother and I dropping bombs like these out of the blue. (You know, kind of like the ‘Hey, I’m selling my car and moving to Key West” incident).

She barely even rolled her eyes after my brother Colin graduated college with a psychology degree and said he was either going to become Britney Spears’ bodyguard or enroll in stunt man school in Australia (which of course dad thought were both reasonable career paths). To further comfort mom, Colin said that nothing we do now is going to matter anyway because we’re all going to die in 2012. (Perhaps he has a future in motivational speaking).

Anyhow, this apocalyptic theory was discussed in one of his philosophy classes and ever since he mentioned it, I’ve heard the subject pondered everywhere from dinner parties to the History Channel. According to the doomsday predictions of many, the Mayan calendar stops on what will be Dec. 23, 2012, and the world as we know it will come to an end. Lovely. I bet the skydiving business will be booming that year!

But all joking aside, scientists and scholars say there may be a shift in the galactic alignment, the earth could be annihilated by another planet, and we only have three more years to pack in a lifetime of living . . . Or this could be crazy speculation similar to that surrounding the Y2K panic and life will indeed go on.

Regardless, it’s worth contemplating. Think about it, how different would your Monday be if you knew you were going to die on Tuesday? I doubt laundry would be at the top of the “to do” list as you re-evaluate your priorities. If you know your time is limited, you make the most of your experiences, your relationships, your life in general, and you don’t sweat the small stuff.

It reminds me of a country song about skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing and riding a bull named Fu Man Chu. Tim McGraw sings about a dying man who hopes that everyone gets the chance to live like they were dying. It’s about seizing the day, treating each moment as a gift and cherishing those you love. So I jumped out of a plane two miles above the ground and floated above the clouds with the man I love (no, not Brutus). And I suggest that everyone else should also throw a little adventure into the mundane whenever the chance presents itself.

So just in case the Mayan’s are on to something, I advise that everyone to go left on occasion instead of going right, that you accept invitations you would rather deny and to just shake life up in general for your own sake. As the saying goes, “If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up to much space,“

But please don’t go off the deep end, become selfish and forgo all other responsibilities while you go mountain climbing or bull riding. Just don’t put your wants or desires on a back burner either…that’s all.

It’s our responsibility to carve out the lives we want for ourselves. We hand pick activities to fill the moments that become our existence . . . and we can be as creative or as boring as we want. So what have you done lately that you’ve been dying to do (no pun intended)? And what in the world should we plan for Dec. 22, 2012? I‘m thinking about throwing a “live like you are dyin’ but hopefully the Mayans are lyin,” party!? Let me know if you’re interested!

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

Have you met my friends, Miss Guided, Miss Led, Miss Understood and Miss Taken?

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(5.7.09)

I’m sure we can all recall moments in our lives where we’ve been steered into confusion and looked like idiots. Perhaps we misunderstood or misconstrued someone’s directions, or we took bad advice and were misled by another idiot. Then there are times when stress or sleep depravation leads one to absent mindedly put the cereal box in the fridge and the milk carton in the cabinet. Whatever the case, we’ve all felt like a head case at some point in time.

I will be the first to admit when I’ve pulled a “Traci”, and I love the fact that plenty of my friends rush to inform me after they’ve pulled one as well.

Generally these moments and mix ups are sandwiched between sane and productive times, so no need to have any of us committed as of now.

Have you ever hurried to get a Blockbuster movie back on time only to learn you had returned an empty box? They call AND write you a letter informing you of your stupidity, by the way.

Did you know that there is a huge difference between evaporated and condensed milk? While attempting a turkey casserole, I created a sweet, meaty mess we named Dessurkey, and promptly tossed after taking one horrific bite.

I may be alone on this next one, but has anyone else gotten confused while trying to pay their Comcast bill on Kennedy Ave.? I accidentally dropped my check in the trash can next to the payment slot and walked away. This error was not discovered until the following month when I went to pay the overdue bill and almost did the same thing again! I walked right up to the trash can and opened the slot before I spotted the payment slot on the wall and had an “Aha moment!

These events are to be remembered and used for enlightening purposes throughout our lives. As a first grader, I was supposed to “put a ring” around various animals and objects on a piece of paper for a homework assignment. Seriously, how hard could this be?

I’ll never forget how puzzled I was after learning I had gotten it all wrong. I turned in my assignment with the satisfaction of a job well done and was shocked when the teacher asked why I had turned in a blank piece of paper. What? Are you kidding me?

“It’s not blank,” I said in amazement as I looked at the assignment I was both proud and protective over.

“Then why didn’t you put a circle around the bird? Or the cow? Or the fence?” The teacher asked while I looked at her, insulted and confused by what she failed to see.

“You didn’t say to put a circle ~ you said to put a ring,” I said, pointing out the tiny diamond ring on the bird’s little toe, the sparkler around the cow’s hoof and the bling bling diamond fastened to the fence.

If only she would have said circle . . . Because when I hear the word “ring” it can mean only one thing. . .jewelry! My mom saved that assignment, which is tucked away with other masterpieces including a spelling test where I misspelled “ship” in a rather offensive way...

A few years back while ordering office supplies for the Citizen, I was trying to buy the most reasonably priced items instead of the most expensive pair of scissors. (Mostly because I was told to tone it down after splurging on blue and pink colored notepads for the reporters, which I thought made life a little more fun.)

Unfortunately, when the reasonably priced scissors arrived, I discovered why they were so cheap. They were tiny little scissors for Kindergartners in bright colors with rounded 2 and a half inch long blades! Citizen photographer Rob O’Neal patiently man-handled the tiny scissors with a straight face and made them work while teasing me only a little bit. You’re a good man, Rob.

Personally, I think we need these complications in our lives too keep things interesting. Mistakes build character, teach us lessons and keep us busy. Although you may be embarrassed at the time, these flubs and follies connect us all in our imperfect world.

However, while these little setbacks are comical, pulling too many “Traci’s” in a row isn’t recommended, as there is such a thing as building too much character. So, pay attention to detail, ask for directions when confused, and if you want something, be clear and concise about what it is you want. Otherwise, you might find that you and those around you are running around in rings….I mean circles.

Sometimes it is not our achievements that define and build us, but rather it’s the ways in which we’ve been wrong that show our true colors. The times in between our successes . . . where we’ve screwed up, laughed about it with friends, dusted ourselves off and marched on down the road.

The Greenest grass is usually right under your . . .ass

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(4.30.09)

Whether it be about where to live, what to drive or who to spend your life with, we all make choices and change our minds about them over and over again until we die.

Everyone struggles with decisions daily, allowing us numerous opportunities to over-analyze what we want and question our many options. We consider how others may be affected by what we say or do. We take forever trying to decide on something and then we spend forever doubting our decisions, big and small.

This, my friends, is the “Grass is Greener Complex“, and is not something to take lightly. It is a disease that can ruin the greatest of accomplishments and stain the most superb of situations. It is a creepy and sneaky doubt that takes over to make you question your conquests, even those as simple as what to order at a restaurant. The complex makes you compare yourself to others and ultimately admit that they have something you want for yourself.

This is also something I refer to as the Surf ‘N Turf Syndrome. You know how this goes, you order the steak but wish you had ordered the lobster. Or you choose the lobster but as soon as the waiter leaves you start craving the steak. The obvious choice, which is more expensive because it’s highly reliable, is the option that rewards you with meat from both the land and the sea.

Just like the most welcomed advice a woman can hear while shopping, “Which one should I get? This one, or this one…”

“Get them both!” Ahh, the sweet, selfish words we want to hear that guarantee satisfaction... Or do they?

Don’t be surprised that when your surf and turf arrives, you spot a wedge salad dripping with bleu cheese that appeals to your appetite way more than what‘s displayed in front of you. And sure enough, your two new dresses are definitely awesome, but not half as cute as these shoes that appear while you’re heading out the door. Coulda,, shoulda, woulda.

Sometimes it’s not even your conscious self who makes these decisions during times when your motor functions fail. There have been plenty of occasions where I’ve known exactly what I was going to order, told others at the table my intentions, and then suffered from Turrets Syndrome when the waiter arrives, blurting out something that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. What the? Sometimes there are just too many choices and we crack under pressure, I guess.

So how do you ensure that you’re in control of what you want and get exactly that? When it comes to food, number one is a salad bar. It’s the perfect place for indecisive people who crave instant gratification, and don‘t we all? In Key West, besides Braza Lena’s colossal and pricey spread, the only other salad bar I know of is at Albertson’s . . .and it is fantastic. Several laps around, carefully selecting veggies soon to be smothered in Ranch, is so very rewarding and a winner every time. No communication needed, grab a plate, analyze and arrange your masterpiece.

Switching gears to the sweet side, there already exists a masterpiece of unparalleled proportions. Recently I’ve seen a commercial showing two very tempting Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and the words “Because no on one should have to choose between peanut butter and chocolate…” Well done . . .and oh so true . . . and never a decision that requires a second guess. Chocolate or peanut butter? Why pick one if two is twice the fun? The more the merrier right?

Although I wouldn’t recommend you apply those last few analogies when debating whom to date. (Unless, of course, all parties involved are actively aware of each others‘ involvement).

So if the grass in your hypothetical yard starts to lose its luster, it’s alright to be selfish. To look out for yourself. To go after what you want and most importantly - to get it. But it should be said that ideally, you can get what you want and avoid hurting others in the process. So alas, you see some greener grass??!!! Just be sure that you’ve sold the house before you go moving in down the street, you know what I mean?

And if your green grass complex arrises over not having the family, education, career or image that you want, take a second to count your blessings. The Rolling Stones said “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find - you get what you need.”

Oh yes. . .Indeed. So focus on what you have and make an effort to make it better. Sometimes, we’re too busy thinking about the blessings that other roads could have bestowed upon us, that we pay little attention to what we already have in front of us.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: choose wisely what you cherish and love loyally what you choose, because he who has the most, has the most to lose.

Keep it classy Key West ~ We’ve got a rep to protect

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(4.23.09)

Last week’s column about raising the bar before going to the bar generated a lot of response from the men out there.

Men who shower, shave, own sport coats and make a conscious decision to represent themselves respectfully spoke up to set the record straight.

Some sent in sassy photos of how they clean up (thank you, Austin). Others wrote in to say that they completely agree with me, as do their wives, about how more people need to take pride in their appearances - both men and women.

Now once again, I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t gifted with the most stylish of upbringings. Topeka, Kans. It’s not exactly a fashion Mecca and growing up surrounded by “Who Farted?” hats by no means grants me the ability to pass judgement…but I’m gonna.

“The problem in Key West is the guys who dress like a bum get the babes!! It's the womens fault!! Guys will do whatever you guys require. We are trained seals!!” wrote Dr. Bruce.

Well I hope there are plenty of seals reading this column because we (the ladies) are ready to teach.

I’ve been conducting extensive research with self-proclaimed group of Women Who Whine about men (while drinking wine), and let’s face it, we have plenty of ammunition.

We are tenacious and loquacious ladies whose opinions are elevated with the presence of good cocktails and good company. The topic of your hygiene has been discussed at length and it must be said that we have nothing against hard working, blue-collar men who get dirty for a living. In fact, many prefer those who crunch steel over those who crunch numbers and are impressed by your strength and manliness. But there’s a time and place for everything, and we appreciate it when you shower your manliness off before wandering out into the world, that’s all.

Because truth be told, we’re not going to be accepting drinks or dancing with someone who looks like they’ll leave their mark on our clean clothes.

In other news, there are some men out there whose shoes stink so badly that they have to leave them outside to ensure getting a good nights sleep. If that is indeed the case, perhaps you could spring for a spare pair instead of hoping we don’t notice. If you can smell them, than we can smell them, despite your effort to seal in the stench. And for those of you in flip-flops . . . Please don’t abuse this privilege. If your feet look like you hijacked Barney Rubble’s car and propelled yourself cross-country, please don’t showcase your dirty stumps for our viewing pleasure. Consider the tub before you consider the club, alright?

Now touché m‘ladies! It’s time for me to address the other side of the coin. First of all, beauty sleep isn’t an old wives tale. It is in one’s best interest to crawl into bed early once and awhile ~ clean, moisturized and hydrated. Just because we live in a party town doesn’t mean you have to be at every party. Do us all a favor and stay out of the spot light long enough to recharge. There’s nothing wrong with being a woman who wines on occasion, as long as you’re a woman who waters often.

Earl, who has seen more chain smoking, tattooed, dehydrated young women than he would care to, wrote in to point out an interesting observation. “Some of these local girls, if you were to pinch their cheek and pull gently, instead of snapping back, the skin would stay there! I call them "hundred yard girls"…. They look good from about a hundred yards away.”

And I must add that for every young woman who looks older than her years, there are 10 older women dressing way younger than theirs. We can’t get away with bra tops forever ladies. What makes you think that another layer of fabric is going to hoist your chest up the way under wire and hooks do? It’s one step away from going braless which is way more flattening than flattering and not a good idea for grown ups.

All I’m saying is take another look in the mirror before you go out presenting yourself to the masses. Is what you’re wearing and how you look an accurate portrayal of who you want to represent? Would you be doing yourself a favor by swapping shirts or plucking a unibrow before hitting the town? Should you be a good friend when you see that a faux pas is being committed? Of course. It is up to us to right the many wrongs that wander amongst us daily.

Keep it classy Key West, and start by keeping it covered. I for one am a little sick of running into the midriffs of the middle aged. If the T shirt you are wearing is where your kid goes to college, you have no business tying it in a knot and showing off your stretch marks.

I’m sorry but Fantasy Fest is in October people, plan accordingly.

And for the record, T shirts that say things such as: “60 percent of the time it works all of the time,” are not appreciated by us ladies and cause your stock to drop tremendously. Wearing shirts that say stuff, means you don’t have to say a word . . . You’ve already been pegged.

Hey guys ~ Let’s try raising the bar before going to the bar!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(4.16.09)

My recent observation should come as no surprise: Little (if any) preparation is needed to get ready for a night out in Key West. We are a casual, beachy village with a very lax dress code at even the finest of establishments. A tropical island whose stores have signs boasting: No shoes, no shirt, no problem.

Well sorry guys, I beg to differ.

Not completely of course, as there are plenty of activities and venues where nothing more than a swimming suit is required. Plus, I’m well aware of the fact that many nights out begin at happy hour, lunch, or even breakfast with mimosas. Many people, including yours truly, have coasted through the day and into the night without a thought or a care about what to wear. The “come as you are” mentality of the Florida Keys is a charming sentiment and a comfortable notion. However, I think a few of us have perhaps gotten just a little too comfortable with that notion.

What do you call a Key Wester in a tie? The defendant. Now that has been a long-standing joke and many take pride in this town‘s rustic reputation. Many locals make a living working on fishing boats, dive boats, and jet skies under the Florida sun. Many work nights closing down restaurants and bars and a nightcap is a means of maintaining ones sanity rather than social life. I get that.

But I don’t think it would hurt if the men in this town tried to step it up a notch while heading out to catch a band or grab a beer. You can save the suits and ties for weddings, court, and Christmas parties, but a little bit of effort made on occasion certainly couldn‘t hurt your chances of landing a sexy lady.

Friday night a group of girls and I couldn’t help but notice that there wasn’t a single guy in the bar that we didn’t want to hose off and scrub with a brillo pad. We had swapped dresses, put on make-up and perfume and marched into a sweaty cluster of grimy and grisly men. I understand that your worn out T-shirts and sweat-stained hats are comfortable and obviously reliable, but come on guys! It’s just as easy to wash your hair and pull a collared shirt over your head, right? And with the summer heat sizzling more and more each day, how can you stand those straggly beards?

Now before you go getting your granola ready to throw at me, understand that I‘m not suggesting we march around in gaudy, glamorous, get-ups. This isn’t about being superficial and showing off the latest brand names - that’s mainly why I left Dallas. But come on ~ do you really need to rush off to the Parrot without brushing your teeth? The island is 4 by 2 miles wide . . . you can’t live too far away from where you‘ve been and where you‘re headed. Can’t you make it to the shower before hitting the streets? And don’t say that you can’t afford a few nice shirts and shorts . . . Ross is no secret. Perhaps you could opt to stay in a few nights and get a new wardrobe from what you save on your bar tabs.

Before I incriminate all of the men in this town as fashion failures, there are plenty out there who should be commend on their daily effort to look dapper. Most are older, gay or tourists, but a there are a few guys my age who take enough pride in themselves to peel their paint stained pants off before going public. And since I’ve already claimed one of these hunks as my own, I just want to make sure there are others out there for my hot single lady friends to snatch up.

Just because we’re famous for Sloppy Joe’s bar doesn’t mean we need a bunch of sloppy Joe’s strutting around this town. I know it’s hot out and many choose function over fashion, but it doesn’t have to be an either/or scenario. We need Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to come turn this town around and replace fishing shirts with button downs and ripped pants with at least something clean and presentable. Nothing too dramatic, just slight adjustments that can make a serious difference.

As the saying goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Well, luckily for those of us living in itsy bitsy Key West, you get multiple chances to make plenty of impressions, just don't keep making the same one - especially if it's not a good one!

I’m merely suggesting that if you want to make an impressive impression, brush your teeth, handle your hygiene, and at the very least and for God’s sake - burn your overalls.

To yacht or not . . . that is not a question you need ask twice.

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(4.9.09)

Everything is better on a boat. I have to say that after extensive research on lakes, ponds and oceans, I’ve concluded that life in general improves when you’re on a vessel ~ preferably one on the water, not sitting on a trailor.

The real thrill of boating is achieved when you take off with the wind in your face and the sun in your eyes. (From my research I can also conclude that the thrill quickly fades if alarms start going off, water starts seeping in, the weather changes drastically or a swarm of bugs attack).

But whether you’re going fishing, camping, island hopping, kayaking or yachting, it’s a ritual to be relished and the details should be devoured. This past weekend we joined a bunch of other boats loaded with happy people at a nearby island. Yes, it’s April, but temperatures are already scorching, the water is 83 degrees and while it might not be the case elsewhere in America, for us….Summer has arrived!

Locals have the luxury of being surrounded by water throughout the year, but come summertime - boats, water, beaches ….they all become mandatory for our survival and our sanity. Collecting ice, water, fruit, adult beverages, Super Soakers, hats, sunscreen, Dion’s chicken and friends becomes a weekend tradition and one not to be taken for granted.

Since I’ve lived in Key West for the past 5 years, I’ve grown accustomed to the warm, crystal blue waters of the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve had many sunset sails, fishing excursions that took us nearly to Cuba and the Bahamas, camping trips, parasailing adventures, jet ski tours….. and I recommend all of them and then some.

I also recommend exploring Lake Sherwood in Topeka, Kans., where I grew up tubing and skiing in the muddy waters every summer. Or canoeing through rivers in Arkansas or Colorado. It doesn’t matter where you are, it just seems that everything is better on a boat . . .It’s impossible not to laugh while tubing……except immediately following a wipe-out or while desperately trying to avoid one.
It’s impossible not to look peaceful on boat . . . Unless the Dion’s chicken grease coats the boat and causes one to tumble.
And finally, it’s impossible to take a dip in the ocean and not feel refreshed….unless you didn’t notice your friend threw a chum bag over the side and you were swimming with dead fish.

But generally, it’s all in good fun and the memories made are worth retelling because . . . Well, because everything is better on a boat.

I’m quite aware of the fact that many people have lived in Key West for years and never been out on the water. That is a tragedy of the worst degree and something we should all want to change. To see the islands from the outside in is sinfully satisfying . . . You can finally remove yourself from the chaos and soak in the quietness of the Keys from a boat. Or you can get rowdy with friends and take over an island with Bocce and beer and savor the times when the water and sky seamlessly meet and float your days away.

So if you have a boat, share it. If you need one, dare it to happen. Just do something! It’s everyone’s civic duty to take advantage of the paradise found offshore. It is up to us to appreciate the sparkling seas and the sandy white islands while the rest of the country struggles to shake off the snow.
The sand is hot, the beer is not and the islands are ours for the taking.

Here are a few quotes about boats to soak in:

“There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.” Kenneth Graham.

“Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.” Warren Buffett.

“I was proud of the waves I had made, but wondered how many boats I was supposed to rock.” Phil Donahue.

“Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered.” William Shakespeare.

“Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat.” Jean-Paul Sartre.

“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat’.” Stephen Wright.

Want an amusing way to exercise? Try laughing your ass off!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(4.2.09)

Laughter is a wonderful phenomenon which should be practiced and praised by us all daily. In fact, multiple times a day, we should find ourselves throwing back our heads with genuine laughter - as well as providing a giggle to others whenever the opportunity should arise.

It’s one of our first celebrated achievements as a baby, a must have accessory for every photo, and a way to communicate in any language. Laughter often presents itself in welcomed situations, like after someone tells a funny story or joke or any other event where a laugh is the desired reaction. But on occasion, it arrives uninvited and with a vengeance. This generally occurs while we are watching a sad play, sitting in a quite library or any other time we’re expected to be calm, cool and collected. And let me be the first to say, there’s nothing calm, cool or collected about trying to suppress a laughing fit. The sounds that come out of our faces while struggling to keep things slightly above a smile are far more revolting than any a little chuckle.

Laughter also rears it’s head at times when perhaps concern or empathy would be the most appreciated response. For example, when someone slips and falls down, or breaks something of value, like glass, a bone or their pride. I don’t know why, but I am one of those people who is genuinely concerned, but It’s hardly evident because I’m laughing through my tears while asking, “are you okay?” (Snort, snort, chuckle, gasp).

I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Unless of course there’s blood or any other trace of severity, in which case the joke is definitely over. But if not, I will laugh until my face hurts and my stomach muscles get an ultimate workout.

This is something my friends and I call “Windsor Laugh-a-lotties”. It’s arguably the best ab workout in the free world, it’s been around since the beginning of time, and it seriously rivals the popular “Windsor Pilates” DVds.

Luckily for mankind, if you’re in a rut for a laughing fit - and we’ve all been there - there is a little show on TV called America’s Funniest Home Videos. Now I know the monologue is a bit cheesy and the episodes with Bob Saggett are borderline annoying, but stick with it and I dare you not to laugh.

Anyone who knows me at all, is fully aware that I cannot pass by this television show without selecting it or nagging others until they land on my beloved AFV. This series, which I predict will last forever, has been and will continue to be so popular because real life hands us some pretty funny moments. Granted, these moments are often not immediately funny to some because they’re accompanied by some sort of pain or inconvenience, but to others it’s hilarious.

These moments are raw, real captured on video and shared for our amusement…it’s a glorious thing. We’ve all had some stellar run ins with walls, floors and other people and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t have at least one amusing wipeout under your belt. But thanks to the wonderful world of television, we are provided with musical montages where several of these circumstances are strung together and played to music. These collages of comical clips barely allow you to catch your breath let alone digest or remember them. They merely exist to bring a smile to your face and a twinkle in your eye, no matter how many times you’ve seen them.

As Mort Walker once said, “Seven days without laughter makes one weak.“ Ha ha!

So do yourself a favor and don’t feel guilty about sitting around and soaking in some vitamin AFV. Here are a few funny facts about the benefits of laughter compiled by Ball Memorial Hospital in Muncie, Indiana:

Thirteen muscles are used to smile, but 47 are required for frowning. You have to smile nearly a quarter of a million times to make 1 wrinkle.

You can stimulate your heart and lungs, elevate your blood pressure and improve breathing capacity by laughing.

In terms of exercise, you can get the same benefits from laughing 100 times a day, as you can from 10 minutes of rowing.

Fifteen minutes of laughter equals the benefit of 2 hours sleep.

Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span.

According to study by Dr. Michael Titze, a German Psychologist, in the 50's people use to laugh an average of 18 minutes a day. Today, that's down to 4 - 6 minutes a day.

Dr. Michael Miller from the University of Maryland found that laughter can improve circulatory and cardiovascular health.

University of Chicago studies show a great sense of humor can add 8 years to your life.

People smile only 35 percent as much as they think they do.

Pre-school children laugh or smile 400 times a day, however, that number drops to only 15 times
a day by the time people reach age 35.

Go figure! Even though many of us still feel like kids, we’re kids with bills and the knowledge of fiscal responsibility. We’re kids who have kids depending on us and the ties that bind sometimes string us up a little too tight.

But remember this little quote by Kurt Vonnegut whenever you’re about to go jumping on the crazy train: “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”

Unless of course you laugh too hard with a full bladder or while taking a drink!

Morning mugshots make for great coffee talk!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(3.26.09)

Checking the arrest log online at Keysso.net to see who recently had a run in with the law is a guilty pleasure for some, and a daily ritual for others. For locals it provides a Where's Waldo sort of entertainment as one skims the Sheriff's Web site in search of familiar faces. Not that we enjoy the misfortune of others of course, it just never hurts to know what's going on around you. And who am I kidding, it makes for one hell of a conversation starter. "Did you see that so-and-so got arrested?" "He looks like he had one too many and made some bad choices." "I wonder if (insert friend here) knows"... and the cycle begins.

Keysso.net...or Keys-s-oh-no-you-didn't!

It's a vessel that provides the community with not only a mug shot of the recently arrested but also the suspects' charges and address. Mind you that down the line, some of these people will have their charges dropped or be found not guilty. However there's no Web site for the recently exonerated -- It just wouldn't generate as much excitement. The posted pictures are taken close to the heat of the moment and are usually pretty raw and tell some entertaining stories. I know that technically we shouldn't find humor in other peoples' humiliation... but we do... and no one should take it personally.

There have been photos of people crying, people laughing, people screaming, young and old, rich and poor, sober and far from sober, some with busted lips, swollen eyes and knots on their forehead. Some look like they belong behind bars and some look scared out of their wits that they are going to be stuck behind bars with such characters. It's a melting pot of alleged criminals from near and far who were collected by cops and catapulted online for us all to see. I do realize that a lot of the inmates are bad apples and face serious charges, so of course some aspects aren't the least bit comical.

From an outsider's point of view, like my poor mother back in Kansas, it's scary to look through these pages. Not exactly the kind of company she likes to imagine her daughter running around with on the streets of Key West. I had to explain to her that many have had rough nights and been in fights and who really can pull off fluorescent lights? Plus, if they were to post mug shots of people in my hometown, the results would likely be just as horrific. (Although Key West is famous and proud of being a sunny place with a lot of shady people).

Now on occasion, and rarely I might add, there have been a few certifiable hunks and hotties captured on this Web site. I think that over a year's time I could probably pick out at least 12 that could make it in a "Handcuffed and Handsome" or a "Nice Tail in Jail" calendar. Not that I would, it's just a thought, unless there's plenty of interest. Another idea that was shot down while I was the crime reporter was having an inmate of the month -- kind of like a Citizen of the Day for those who produce the most amusing mug shot.

Now I get that it isn't exactly politically correct to celebrate someone who has just allegedly broken the law, or perhaps is a bit mentally downtrodden. But if we put all that aside we can often find a few hilarious pictures of people worth sharing. Admit it. If you're checking the Web site at work and find an unfortunate photo, your first instinct is to point it out to others so they can laugh along with you. And don't fret if you are unfortunately one of those familiar faces caught mugging it for the camera. Many things move slowly on this island but gossip isn't one of them. Today's topics quickly become yesterday's news as the spotlight shifts to the next scrutinized subject. Just try not to be a repeat offender.

Keep it classy Key West and avoid arrest. But if you can't do that, keep it entertaining at the very least.

So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork

(3.19.09)

Since the beginning of time, teachers, parents, grandparents, grown ups in general have been asking us this very question. Now as a late 20-something, I’m still not sure I know the correct answer. Nor am I sure that any of my friends know what they want to be when they grow up. Perhaps this is because we aren’t quite sure when it’s officially decided that we are indeed done growing.

I think the question should be rephrased to “What do you want to be while you’re growing up?” or “What do you want to do while you’re gettig old?”

It seems like the finish line will always be ahead of us, so a majority of our lifetimes are going to be spent in the meantime. So, what do you want to do with your days, consecutively, to earn a living and enjoy your quality of life? Where do you want to live? What will it take to make you proud to hear about what it is that you do out loud?

According to wise people and a recent beer commercial, the key to living a happy life is to do something that you love so work never feels like a job. If you didn’t have to get ready and go to work, where would your day take you? What activities would you pursue if work wasn’t pursuing you?

So gradually, as we’re growing, it’s important to try as many jobs as possible in order to rule things out. Otherwise, the myriad of options may prove to be too overwhelming and you’ll never decide which route to take. As long as you’re moving, you’ll be moving along.

My first job was as a babysitter, which I thoroughly enjoyed and found incredibly rewarding. I even did it for free on occasion and to this day there are a couple of kids I wouldn’t mind watching for a couple of hours. As for full-time diaper changing, hair pulling, fight stopping duties - Forget it. Blessed are those who are capable of this profession, but until I am personally responsible for a child of my own, I don’t want to lose sleep over anyone else’s.

So on to the next job - life guarding at a country club. I must admit that my decision to teach swimming lessons and lifeguard every summer in high school was a good one. Especially at a country club which was way less stressful and much less work than at a public pool. Plus, sunscreen and swimming suits don’t make for a bad uniform and my office was a sunny sanctuary with a soundtrack made of laughs, whistles and splashes. Keep in mind I was still a babysitter and there were obligations, but for the most part, I sat, I sunned and I swam my summers away.

When I first started working at the Citizen almost 5 years ago as the assistant to the editor, my duties included writing obituaries and checking the Citizen’s Voice mailbox. Now if that wasn’t the best thing to have with coffee in the morning, I don’t know what is! Seriously, I’d have the headphones on, playing the messages over and over trying to un-slur someone’s comment about Domino’s Pizza at 4:20 a.m. I shouldn’t be the only one who gets to listen to this! So I’d often get Rob O’Neal to bare witness to the animated characters who filled that mailbox up daily, and almost lost the will to live if I didn‘t empty it out immediately Monday morning.

After awhile I became a reporter. My job was to find out what was going on and then tell everybody about it…..Hello? Had I not been practicing for this my whole life? Since birth, I’ve been gathering information and offering it to anyone who would listen. Much to my parents dismay, my little 5-year-old self would wander over to the neighbors to let them in on what was going on at our house. Even if it was a trivial as mom’s disappointment in dad’s impulse purchases. “Mom says, ’Billy, we don’t need any more towels! How come every time you go to the store you buy more towels?’

So I didn’t have the greatest news sense or a filter, but I managed to absorb a lot of information which was a dangerous combination. I have since developed a bit of discretion and can keep a secret now and then believe it or not. I still like taking in the world around me and then throwing my interpretation out into the world - hence this column you’re reading now pondering the inquisitive question of “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I guess when you hear people tell you that you can do anything you want and be anybody you want to be, we should believe them and start thinking big. Michael Jackson big.

Hell, if a guy named Phil can throw a Dr. in front of his name and impress Oprah, maybe tomorrow Capt. Traci will set sail to the Bahamas where she can begin filming her travel show on E!

Somebody needs a break from Spring Break

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork

(3.12.09)

So I’ve gone and done it again. I’m not saying that I’ve lost a round-trip airplane voucher to anywhere USAir flies……but I sure haven’t found it lately. And I’ve looked. There are still a few places I’ve left unturned where both hope and the vouchers may lay, but it‘s not looking good.

This voucher, which was stashed somewhere “safe” by yours truly in December, has to be used by May which is quickly approaching. And as for getting a replacement….I vividly remember the woman who gave them to me saying, “don’t lose these, we can’t get you new ones if you do.” Great.

I earned the voucher last May while en route back home to Kansas. A huge fan of airports but not the biggest fan of airplanes, I took a taxi from Ft. Lauderdale to West Palm in order to prolong flying while helping out the airline. Not the least bit inconvenienced and with plenty of time to spare, I traveled a little more on my day of travel and was given a voucher to travel more in the future….for free! Splendid.

But easy come, easy go I guess . . . . and I should know. Seems like things are always going. Especially when I take them out of a random spot where they’ve been maintaining their existence just fine and put them somewhere “safe”. I do that with money too, which is always a pleasure to find down the road but a hassle when you are in need of immediate funds. But right now I’m on a voyage for vouchers…

Especially now that Spring Break is in effect and there are oodles of idiots stumbling all over each other and beeping their mopeds through town. No offense college kids, I am a former idiot who put some miles on her flip-flops and watered Duval St. with her beer some five or six years ago. I came, I saw, I loved and I migrated. Now that I live here and have had a chance to get used to quiet summer nights and a scarce island town, I’m slightly annoyed right now and could use a weekend away. I say slightly annoyed because a hopping town means hopping business and business is alwasy good. I also say slightly because some of what you see going on in the streets of Key West during Spring Break is more entertaining than annoying and worth witnessing. Some, but definitely not all.

I understand the excitement that comes with being a college kid in a far away land with beaches, babes and beer ~ oh my. It can be a serious burden to stay slightly sober and just merely functioning is a constant struggle for many inside these mobile mobs. Keep in mind this is Kindergarten compared to Fantasy Fest ~ these aren‘t seasoned partying professionals, and they’re not locals. They‘re rookies and display it with naïve pride as they zigzag through town all day and into the night.

I’m willing to bet that statistically, this is the time of year when the most people get carried home - provided someone in the group knows where “home“ is located. I’ve seen guys draped over the handlebars of rental bikes seemingly unconscious. Girls getting pushed home in shopping carts (although this happens outside of spring break too, right Rachel?) And the ever popular head bobbing humiliation of being slung over someone’s shoulders like a sack of potatoes with heads dangling near rears. That seems to be the easiest and most tried method, and earns looks and laughs every time because we all know that most likely won’t end well. Yuck.

But I’d have to say that for the most part, the most entertaining drunks tend to be the ones still awake.

So we have an open container law …. which no one ever completely understands….especially the bums who get arrested for sipping beer while a gaggle of giggly girls swagger past with a three foot tall booze icey in a neon cup. But generally, if you put it in plastic you can march around town with your favorite adult beverage. Just the other day I saw this one guy on Duval who took it to the next level. He had a huge red gas container full of beer which he was chugging through the yellow nozzle while cars drove by and honked. Just another one of those things we witness mid-afternoon with a smile, shake our heads and say, “only on a Monday in Key West.”

Regardless of the entertainment value this island provides, every once and awhile it’s good to get away. . . So right now I will continue my voyage for vouchers and hope that I may have a break from spring break in my future. Perhaps I should consider changing the title of my column to Miss Placed. . . . .And while we’re at it, I think I should crown a new Miss Taken as Mandy Bolen, my predecessor and fabulous reporter/columnist, is now engaged!! Congrats Mandy - don’t lose that one…and don’t let me get a hold of your ring!