Remember November

Thanksgiving starts now!

Let's just say that nothing puts life in perspective like putting your whole life in a car and moving 1,800 miles from Key West back home to Middle America. Because really people, this is what life's essentially all about so....switch it, change it - rearrange it! And as you do, make sure that you really appreciate the view,

because the only one with a front row seat is 

you!

Words of wisdom

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, here's a little piece of Biblical advice: " Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz."

While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothingaz, Lazyaz, and especially his third cousin Beatinyouaz. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....

That's all for now ~ have a fantastically amazing Friday :)

Can it Grandma!

11.26.10

MISS INFORMED
BY TRACI

I just so happen to be smitten with my Grandma Jeanne who was tickled pink when I told her that I was working on putting her recipes together in a cookbook called Can it Grandma.

This wonderful woman cans salsa, jalapeno jelly, pepper slaw, pickles, relish. … and over the years she has made countless meals for  her grateful family and friends. Somewhere along the way she found the time to type and distribute a few of her favorite recipes, and I'm here to fact check and pass on the knowledge to you! For instance, it turns out  that 23 cups of mayonnaise actually means 2/3 cup....sometimes Grandma drinks).

Needless to say, our Key West house has been significantly more crowded since I began my mission with easy stew (very good, and yes, easy), macaroni salad, and apple crisp. But lately, the book has taken a back seat to canning, as bees suddenly decided to start living in our walls. This unexpected sticky situation wasn't exactly convenient......however, now we have some of the sweetest honey in existence and have been very busy canning this liquid gold.

Not only does canning make you feel self sufficient, but also closer and prouder of those that paved the way to who you are today. My grandma grew a lot of her own food, getting rid of the bugs and weeds in preparation for pleasing the palates of those she loves with home-grown goodness.

Year after year her house is overrun with tomatoes (a couple tons of tomatoes, actually... I've seen it, had to sleep with it, and still can't explain the fear). But in the end and with a little help from family, friends and uncle Butch's Budweisers, the chaos is crushed neatly into quarts which are then signed, sealed and delivered. What a concept!

Looking back, I'm grateful I was allowed to be a part of the process, although I certainly wasn't much help at the time (especially if bugs were around). Little did I know that my country bumpkin butt would end up canning crap on an island in the Caribbean. Let alone honey!!! Isn't life funny?

After this endeavor, I now also understand my Grandma's fondness for wine…this is hard work people, and clean up is the hardest part. Especially when your vacuum cleaner is filled with dead bee carcasses and everything you touch is sticky.

At least I've been too busy to be homesick...for the most part. I know exactly what I'm missing as Thanksgiving at Grandma's goes a little something like this: She leaps out of her recliner (on the rare occasion you catch her resting), scootches to the kitchen, and in a happy hurry she assembles her supplies and bosses people around. Saying mostly, "Traci, shut the ice box" and, "Colin, quit eating the bacon".

Then it's my Mom's turn to get scolded for drinking Butch's beer before we finally feast. The late Uncle Joe (grandma's twin brother) will still be affectionately mentioned as my brother will reenact his infamous mashed potato volcano. All of our plates piled high with gluttony and gratitude for damn good, home-cooked food. So, it's safe to say that I love my family more than I should, which I think is the perfect amount.

And we all know that with love comes torture, which is why I always have to tease Grandma about her love for John Wayne, slot machines and her peculiar pronunciation of certain words (such as peculiar and chiropractor, especially after a glass or two of wine). She also has this thing with calling lunch "dinner", and I'm not going to lie, it used to freak me out as a kid because if we were having dinner already.....I somehow got shafted out of lunch. What the?

But I soon found out that dinner was delicious and just when you start to get hungry again, grandma swoops in and "supper's ready"!

Sweater Syndrome - the ultimate sin

10.29.10

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork

Haven't we all stumbled upon a photo of ourselves wearing an embarrassingly ugly sweater? It's huge, obviously a bad decision and looks like it was found in the back of Bill Cosby's closet.

You think, "how could I have ever thought this was OK?"…..And the scary part is, not only did you pick out that ugly sweater yourself, but you wore it in public and proudly posed for photos. What were were we thinking and why didn't someone stop us!?!

Well ladies and gents, the same can be said for our exes; which we sometimes sport for years ~ even when they don't do us any justice. In most cases, people will try and warn us, but for unGodly reasons we love our comfortable sweaters and so we don't listen to anyone's advice. Blame it on youth, booze, or voodoo....but it's difficult to outgrow or outrun our sweaters, and those that got away want to help others do the same.

We all have friends or family members who are unfortunately involved with a looming disaster, and no one wants to wait for the train to crash. We can see that their selfish sweaters aren't the best choice for our loved ones, yet there's nothing in the world we can do because the more we say....the less they fray.

Just because someone walks like a lying, cheating, worthless duck doesn't mean they'll pay attention ~ even if you have stone-cold proof! They choose to ignore their lowered standards while settling down with their wardrobe malfunctions, and in a daze they spend their days with an itchy, stinky sweater. What could be better? Freedom.

Now there are some who actually realize these relationships are an addiction but they just don't have the strength to quit their knit-wits. After the latest let down, they may proclaim, "that's it, I'm done ~ for real this time". But usually they only make it a couple of weeks before letting their sweaters slither back into the closet.

It seems that you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose….but unfortunately you can't pick your friends clothes.

Don't sweat the petty stuff

9.24.10

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork


Right about now, the rest of the country is wrapped up in football season with plenty of snuggly blankets, socks and homemade chili to warm their souls. The leaves have changed along with the weather, and fall once again has fallen right into place.... too bad that's not the case for us island folks.

Nope, we're still being greeted with smoking hot air that fogs up our glasses anytime we set foot into the sauna that is our world.

The heat is responsible for many unfortunate calamities such as, but certainly not limited to: sweaty upper lip syndrome, free-flowing forehead drip, raccoon eyes, and boob sweat ~ which is why so many women awkwardly have their arms crossed. Not to mention the ever-popular ring around the armpit and man's worst enemy ~ chaffage.

Well my friends, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this is the downside of living in paradise. We chose the tropics, and thus we're prisoners to perspiration... but at least we are in this together!

So yeah, it's safe to say that I'm hot, bothered and more than ready to stop swatting at mosquitoes and sweating in the sun. I'm getting 3rd degree burns from my car seat for God's sake and I'm sick and tired of showing up everywhere looking like I just crawled my way out of Shawshank Redemption.

Leaving the AC for even a moment is a dreadful endeavor and has actually driven me to drink, lie and steal. I've strolled into a store and lied about not looking for anything in particular when I know exactly what I'm looking for....cold air. And if there's a chance I can have an ice cold beer while waiting for my body temp to quit boiling, even better.

These little oases of comfort are win-win situations for all parties involved. We get relief and business owners get a few customers during the slowest season of the year. So, feel free to be an air conditioning squatter, but it’s in good form to make a purchase while you're present, or at the very least, pleasant conversation.

This also applies during one of our sporadic thunderstorms. It's a catch-22 because while they do temporarily cool down the island and water our wilting flowers, they seem to have no mercy on my schedule. While it is possible to outrun the rain on your bike it is definitely a rarity for sure.

Our beautiful blue skies have the tendency to open up and spew tidal waves of rain at random times throughout the summer, always managing to find the 15 minute window of opportunity when I decide to change locations. Of course, when you actually wish/hope/pray for rain…..it's nothing but clear skies and butterflies.

Case in point:

As if an iguana taking a colossal dump on my windshield wasn't gross enough….the 90 degree temperatures sufficiently helped to bake the mistake firmly onto the glass in front of my face. After a long day at the office, the last thing you want to do is deal with a "shit-suation". Where's the rain now, huh?!

My windshield wipers were no match for this mess, so I had the pleasure of driving home with my head out the window cursing the demonic dragon that had done this to me.

While people always tell me how lucky and smart I am for choosing to make a tropical island my home, I will agree most of the time, but not at the moment. I'm currently wrapping up a September slump and I want to be where the trees and the seasons are changing.

Of course I am all out of vacation days, I couldn't afford to take one if I wasn't, and I've had it with sweating more than Fred Phelps at a gay wedding.

Plus, it probably doesn't help that in a mere matter of days, I will be leaving my 20's behind....but I digress.

I just have to remind myself that when I migrated from Kansas to Key West a mere 6 years ago (in September no less), the heat brought sweet relief and comfort was only an ocean or pool away.
I may be a bit jaded at the moment but at one point in time, all of these annoyances were equally as endearing to me. Everything but the iguana crap ~ that's something I'll never get used to (although I did find a new use for my ice scraper)!

Bicycle Bandit vs. the Women he Wronged

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

10.15.09

How many of us islanders have had our bicycles snatched by some degenerate never to be seen again? I'm willing to wager plenty. But, how many of us have actually had the pleasure of running into a drunken loser as he's leisurely cruising around town on your bright pink beach cruiser? Not enough as sadly, they're usually gone for good. But not always, and boy do I have a story for you!

I've had a few bikes stolen and have spent years searching for them, in the hopes of coming face to face with the culprits who complicated my life. While I know that karma catches up with everyone sooner or later, I must say that I'm a big fan of sooner, and after a recent altercation with a bike thief, you'll surely understand why.

Not only does it get your blood pumping and your adrenaline rushing, but catching someone in the act of ripping you off also gives you super-hero confidence - which isn't always a good thing. But luckily in our case, we were able to mug that poor thug before he even knew what hit him!

A couple of weekends ago during the full moon, (which is when crazy shit always happens) my friend Courtney and I managed to rob a robber. That's right. This was not a premeditated act, nor one I would recommend in hindsight, but sometimes our carnal instincts can't be ignored once we've been wronged.

There was an army of bikes in front of my house Friday night as we made a brief pit stop between bars. We weren't planning on staying long, so none of the bikes were locked which is when bad things always happen.

Moments later we notice that Courtney's pink bike was missing from the pack. Cascading feelings of disbelief quickly turned to anger and despair, but we jumped in my car and took off to go catch a predator.

We made all the right turns at all the right times and lo and behold, we spotted the bicycle bandit swerving towards us in the darkness.

I honked the horn and from the safety of my car yelled that the cops are on the way and he should drop the bike and run. Courtney on the other hand, marched over to the idiot who was telling us that it was definitely his bike because his sunglasses were in the basket. Nice try wise guy.

Of course, not a single soul was nearby so it was two hell-raisers in heels against one wobbly drunk, but I've watched enough Court TV to know that hardly matters.

Luckily, he begrudgingly got off the bike and shamefully went on his way. He called us losers as Courtney proudly rode her bike back to my house with me driving slowly beside her in case he decided to bum rush her during our victory parade.

Thankfully we escaped unharmed, but it turns out we were not unarmed... At some point we had acquired an assault weapon that had apparently been left in the bike basket! So yeah, we now had a retractable baton like the one used to beat Nancy Kerrigan in our possession.

 I've never felt more accomplished, relieved, and validated than when we returned home with that bike in tow. Not to mention the exuberence of retelling our story to the girls and showing off our new night stick.

While my dad and brother got a kick out of this story, my mom on the other hand didn't feel that my vigilantism warranted a celebration and that I should not be so proud of flirting with danger. I told her that she should be relieved knowing that not only am I a self-sufficient woman and literally a go-getter, but that I've also got Courtney in my corner, and she's the Queen of Clubs.

Just another weekend in Key Weird - you can't make this shit up...

What's the big Idea? Hopefully you have at least a couple...

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

9.24.09

On occasion, I have been known to conjure up a few great ideas. Haven't we all? I'm talking million dollar, sure to succeed, bona fide and brilliant ideas that get people legitimately excited. We've all thought up adaptations or alterations that can improve everyday life or the human race in general and then we proceed to call ourselves geniuses.

But let me ask you this. How many fantastic ideas have you immediately forgotten, ignored or just kept on the back burner only to find out that these awesome ideas have come to fruition after being pursued by someone else. What!? You should have made something happen because "That was my idea," or "I thought of that first," are both lame proclamations that showcase our lack of motivation.

As Buddha so accurately put it, "an idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea."

Now get moving! Everyone has great ideas, but only a few can pick the right ones to cling to, and follow through with them. It's hard to filter out the fantasy and decide which ideas are bright enough to believe in -- and that's only the first step. Next you have to get the ball rolling by doing your homework and devoting your time to the cause because let's face it, we're not getting any younger.

Either you've already uncovered your million dollar idea and locked it in the vault or you need to get cracking. In my experience, I've found that group brainstorming works best, and if accompanied by a cocktail, it's one of the most productive and rewarding ways to generate a great idea.

I will also suggest that you have a notebook handy because there's nothing worse than forgetting all that was discussed during one of your invention conventions. Just by jotting down your discussion, you've made your concept a little more concrete, which makes it that much easier to complete.

I'm pretty sure that I've overlooked countless column ideas and convinced myself that numerous jokes weren't funny, simply because a writing utensil wasn't within reach. It's a horrible shame because later when I can't remember what I was thinking about, I'm instantly convinced that I just lost the best idea I ever had.

Don't let this happen to you! Don't let the roots of an idea sprout and spread only to wind up dead from lack of attention. Cultivate your creativity and have faith enough to finish what you start. Don't let yourself or others deter you from following through, no matter how far-fetched your ideas may seem.

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." according to the great Albert Einstein.

That being said, I should also mention that we are all responsible for conjuring up some not so bright ideas, which often are the ones we tend to strap ourselves to.

For every fantastic idea we're responsible for, there are about five or 10 bad ones that present themselves and unnecessarily confuse us. This is why I highly recommend group sessions or think tanks as I like to say, so you can get the necessary feedback from your smart friends who don't beat around the bush.

They'll tell you if your ideas are stupid and hopefully provide you with better ideas as you hone in on the details. Just be careful not to share these conversations with your most cunning and ambitious friends, or they could end up running with them and taking all the credit.

Speaking of credit, sometimes we are blessed with good ideas at bad times -- like when we're broke. The hardest part about getting your feet off the ground is that it generally requires time and money, both of which we're usually lacking.

But if you believe in something and are going to take credit for its success, I believe you should do anything in your power (and within the law) to make sure it doesn't fail.

Because what's worse than being a "has been"? Being a "has never." It's safe to say that now's the time to leave behind your legacy -- not sit on your behind. You have to keep trying things until they work and making your own magic or you're just simply wasting space.

I don't know who said the following but I'll gladly take credit because it sums everything up perfectly.

"You can't make footprints in the sand of time while sitting on your butt, and who wants to make butt prints in the sand of time?"

Not this girl, that's for sure.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

Spilt milk can lead to mopped floors -- How chaos turns into cleaning

(9.17.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

I'm a self-proclaimed hazard to the household and destroyer of the peace. I'm definitely not a stranger to the sound of breaking glass and while it's a horrible way to live, I've come to accept the fact that I make messes -- many and often. That's just what I do.

Sometimes these little mishaps are immediately comical, other times they're funny after the fact, but mostly they're annoying and always taking place at the worst possible moments. Not that breaking or spilling things is ever a welcomed occurrence, it's just that when life is already complicated, every added complication sends you one step closer to the edge.

You spill on your shirt just as you're leaving the house when you're already running late. The oven shorts out right as dinner is prepped and ready to go in, or you drop your purse full of electronics into the pool. You most likely already had a full agenda of things you needed to accomplish before these setbacks, but that hardly matters to the complication fairy who swoops right in and forces you to slow down and deal with some drama.

If you feel like you've heard me talk about this before, you're correct, and odds are this won't be the last time I voice my frustration on the subject. Whether it's clothes, sunglasses, cameras, my mind or cold, hard cash ... Something I need always seems to wander off, break or implode right at a crucial moment.

As the days go by and I have had to say goodbye to countless belongings, I can't help but think there has to be a silver lining to this curse of mine. While I'm left scouring drawers and hunting under beds looking for items I've lost, I've got to believe, for my own sanity, that there's a reason . . .

And I think I've finally got it! Even if you don't find what you're looking for during these scavenger hunts -- hopefully after your search you'll be prompted to leave behind a tidier junk drawer and gather and destroy a few of the resident dust bunnies that have made a life under your bed.

This, my friends, is how chaos leads to cleaning.

The same thing goes for spills. You most likely already needed to mop the floor and have been saying so for days, but there's nothing like a bottle of red wine crashing off the fridge and dousing the kitchen to make the chore an immediate priority. And while you're at it, wipe the cabinets down, clean the microwave, do the dishes and clean out the fridge. Phew -- thank you complication fairy -- I needed a little boost.

And haven't we all let our desks go and get a little messy at work? I've heard myself and others proclaim "I need to get my life in order" and I'm almost positive that I've found the solution. Spill your coffee, tea or juice of preference all over your desk. You're forced to throw away unnecessary papers, dust off the surrounding area and quickly conquer the cleaning that comes with disaster relief.

Speaking of which, we all know that Hurricane Wilma was no cup of tea and at the very least, she complicated quite a few lives as the island was lashed by the ocean. But how many people had been collecting junk and accumulating unnecessary knick-knacks until Wilma forced them to do a little house cleaning? How many bars needed a good power washing? The silver lining is that sometimes the world brings us face to face with the very things that we are neglecting.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are never going to have everything under control. There will always be weeds in the garden, trash to take out or a squeaky bike begging for our attention, and everyday we pick and choose which chores we're going to deal with and which ones to ignore. Sometimes we choose wisely, and other times we have no choice in the matter whatsoever.

So don't curse the complication fairy when you wake up to find that your wallet is missing and you can't find your keys. Thank her for forcing you to go to the hardware store where you need countless items anyway, and for finally giving you an excuse to replace your horrendous driver's license photo. It's the little things, people -- find them and celebrate.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@ keysnews.com and to catch up on past ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

I may not have change for a $20, but I know of 20 things that are about to change

(9.3.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

It's no secret that life in general is never -- ever -- going to be "in order."

Change however, is always going to be in constant order, and is even harder to shake than Aretha Franklin's catchy tune "Change, change, change."

OK people, I'm fully aware that these are not the actual lyrics to her song "Chain of Fools," but ironically, I changed the words way back when and couldn't resist getting them stuck in your head at such an appropriate time.

Robert C. Gallagher said it best when he proclaimed that "Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine."

Right when you think that life or certain situations are going to start simmering down and falling into place, You find out that you're oh, so wrong.

That's when we're all visited by the complication fairy, who messes with our lives in a way so twisted it's dizzying. Haven't you noticed that as soon as you wash your sheets, the cat pukes on your bed, that birds do serious damage to a freshly washed car and dogs know just which shoes to chew? Or right when you feel like your business is booming and your problems are so close to being solved, the whole place burns down leaving you penniless and dumbfounded? Well, "Change, change, change"... because you have no choice.

Every single second, people are changing their clothes, minds, jobs, hobbies, locations, friends, diapers, spouses, and some even change their spouse's diapers. Some changes are welcomed and wanted while others are dreaded and devastating, but they are the common denominator among us all.

Whenever you ask someone "what's new with you?" and they say, "oh, not much," -- don't believe them. Something's changed but everyone's not always up for discussing their life, especially if it's as complicated as things can often get.

And just so you know, generally the good, bad, happy and sad changes collide and bombard our lives simultaneously as part of what I like to call, "The change gang."

You've heard people say "Can anything else go wrong?" Or, "If it isn't one thing, it's five more." I've often heard people say that after their lives have been switched, changed and rearranged.

Truth be told, we can certainly handle a whole lot more than we ever imagined possible, and have to find out the hard way. But it's proof that we are still alive and it's a daily dare not only to go with the flow, but to frolic in the flow. To make the best of the worst and to help anyone you can to do the very same.

There always will be unchecked items on your To Do list, and hopefully there always will be a tomorrow for you to pick up where you left off. Just make sure that you take a little time to notice where you are at any given moment, count your blessings and spend time with those who are important to you, before things get hectic again -- which they always tend to do.

And remember, just when life seems peachy and brag-worthy and all of your ducks seem to be waddling together in a perfect row, watch out! That's when the tide shifts, your peaches rot and your ducks start wandering off along with your sanity.

But fear not, change isn't always a horrendous hustler. It's a fickle and often friendly enemy that can pay you a visit after every emotion has been exhausted and your very existence has been challenged. That's because many people turn to their faith, families, friends and strangers after tragedy strikes.

Which could very well be the entire point of tragedy to begin with.

Many people are currently juggling house guests, bankruptcy, car problems, plumbing issues, family feuds, arrests and death ... So all of these "change, change, changes" are a big part of life. We live through these times, we change because of them, and then we keep on waiting to change some more.

To further inform Miss Informed, please e-mail trork@keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

Have you played with yourself lately? Happiness is in your hands!

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.13.09)

I just want everyone to take a moment to think about how much fun you have by yourselves. Now don't get all excited you creeps, nothing perverted is intended here.

Do you genuinely enjoy your own company? Do you laugh at your own jokes, dance when no one is looking and find yourself thoroughly entertaining? Well if you don't ... others won't, so start paying attention.

Quality time doesn't have to require a counterpart. In fact, I highly recommend alone time, which is not to be confused with loneliness.

In the past I've talked about remembering to send cards to your grandmas, being generous with your time and other necessary niceties that fill the karma bank and spread some sunshine. But now I think it's time we start investing in ourselves and taking good care of number one.

Some may say it's selfish to seclude yourself from the world and your loved ones, but I say it's selfish not to. If we're not happy with ourselves to begin with, what good are we to anyone else? It's time everyone starts to realize that your happiness depends on you -- not your circumstances.

For example, are you a total grump who could squeeze out a smile periodically but fights the urge just to maintain your snide image? Does everyone you encounter annoy you, seem inferior, and here only to complicate your life? Take a little break to envision rainbows and butterflies or cotton candy and French fries -- whatever makes you happy.

You can't fight a smile forever and you're not doing anyone any favors by being miserable. All around the world there are plenty of cynical, jaded and negative people lurking among us. Just last week I had the pleasure of encountering a few on our own island. To them I say, "You can blame the full moon but I blame you."

"Some pursue happiness -- others create it," someone smart once said and now I'm echoing that sentiment.

You choose to be happy, and you should start every morning by standing in front of a mirror. Quit waiting for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet, your mom to come over and do your laundry or a rich uncle to die and leave you everything. Instead, take a good, long look at yourself. Not your circumstances, but your self.

Guess what? You are someone's Prince Charming ... You are someone's doting mother ... You are someone's boss or mentor and you're "good enough, smart enough and doggone-it -- people like you!"

Now after repeating this Saturday Night Live mantra, flare your nostrils 10 times and try not to laugh. Do the Elvis lip curl and then try and switch sides. Pretty funny huh? Do the dishes in high heels, or clean your house with the music blaring and dance from room to room. Write in a journal and read it often and make your life sound as fabulous as you want it to be. Have fun ... Completely alone.

Key West locals are often lollygagging from birthday party to happy hour with a few barbecues thrown in between. Even during the slow days of summer, there are plenty of festivities to attend, as we happen to cohabitate on a party island of epic proportions.

But for the sake of the entire human race -- schedule a party of one on occasion and make sure you do a little inventory.

Happiness does not depend on what car you drive, how impressive your job is or what kind of family you're blessed/cursed with. Happiness is more of a decision, a state of mind that can affect the poor just as easily as it can avoid the rich.

Money doesn't buy happiness, love doesn't cure all, and dreams don't always come true. In fact, according to Aristotle, it's all quite simple, "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient."

So, if you want to be happy -- start cheering yourself up! Make yourself the perfect cup of coffee, take yourself on an early morning stroll or flirt with yourself in the mirror while no one's looking. "How you doin'?"

Bottom line: Enjoy yourself -- and others will be tempted to do the same.

To further inform Miss Informed e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

I may have just broken the law but if I did, so did you ... and you

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.6.09)

Now before the cops start breaking down my door I should probably clarify a few things. I didn't rob a bank, beat anyone up or illegally trap lobster. Believe it or not, I was actually trying to make the world a better place by improving the planet's fiscal woes when I committed this questionable deed.

It just so happened that immediately after the alleged and purely innocent act, I couldn't help but gasp and google my way through the Internet to find out if I had indeed just broken the law and defaced a dollar bill.

For the record, I didn't scribble on George Washington's face or write "for a good time call ..." it was much more mature and necessary than that. You see, a while ago I stumbled upon a dollar bill that said "Anyone who receives this will be blessed with a lot of money."

Perfect! It was like an unexpected fortune cookie had just landed in my wallet telling me what I wanted and needed to hear. So I did what anyone else would do and tucked it away waiting for the magic to happen. Well, I'm still waiting, so when I stumbled upon my "lucky" buck the other day, I paid more attention to detail.

It also said, "write this on 10 other bills -- it works." I told myself, "hello -- no wonder you haven't been blessed in the bank yet ... You haven't fulfilled your end of the deal."

Now I know what you're thinking. Nice job idiot! We've all gotten threatening chain letters and e-mails that pester us into pestering 10 others so as not to disrupt our karma. We've ignored and erased them and lived to tell about it with no tragedies directly related to how we handled those pushy suggestions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so forgive me for wanting to spread a little hope and sunshine into a financially bleak world (and for selfishly yearning to somehow win the lottery without ever buying a ticket).

Times are tough, so much so, that I could only scrounge up two measly dollars to write the mantra on and possibly secure my fate and fortune. Go figure, and to top it off, had I just committed a felony punishable by up to six months in jail?

After extensive research I'm happy to inform you that I'm not currently a fugitive. Apparently, it's not illegal to write on your money per say ... you're just not supposed to mutilate, cut, glue together or burn your dough (according to title 18, section 333 of the United States Code). Basically, if you can still read and spend the money, you're pretty much OK.

Well that's a good thing for everyone who has stapled a dollar bill with their name on it at various bars and restaurants across the country. There are even a couple places in the Keys were you can find a dizzying array of cash that overlaps, dangles and sheds light on the people who once possessed -- and ultimately ended the ongoing journey of -- a dollar bill.

Money travels far and wide, housed in the pockets of plenty of people from all walks of life. The average life of a $1 bill in circulation is 21 months before it is replaced due to wear, according to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Think about how many places a dollar can go in nearly a year. How many people it can link together every second and the millions of possibilities of profound contradiction it provides daily.

How many church donation baskets are filled with money once used to gamble or buy drugs? And by the way, how many school lunches or cups of coffee are bought with dollars that were once tucked in a stripper's thong? The list goes on.

You see, passing these notes from person to person has become such a practiced part of our lives that we don't even pay much attention to what we hold in our hands. We don't really take the time to visualize all of the people who have also touched that same piece of paper and carried it through a part of their life.

If they could talk, those little, green, rectangular pieces of paper we see, touch and smell everyday -- would have quite the story to tell ... And some already do. I'm not trying to start a defacing movement here or anything, I'm just saying ... what a limitless way to send a message.

So, to ensure that your day won't be cloaked in chaos and tainted with tragedy, quickly distribute 10 $1 bills that say "Miss Informed is my favorite columnist and definitely deserves a raise."

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keys news.com and to catch some of her previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

Time for a little drink-o-nomics -- Champagne taste on a beer budget

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(7.30.09)

How's it going my fellow penny pinchers? I'm assuming that for many, gone are the days of frivolous spending and carelessness with our cash. Everyone is starting to pay a lot more attention to what they make -- and just how much it takes -- to fund a fun night out with friends.

The results are scary, especially in this town, and the fact that the Green Parrot started taking credit cards certainly doesn't help the situation.

Don't get me wrong, just because many of us are now considered "ballers on a budget" doesn't mean that we can't partake in the parties. We just need to know how to balance our bucks without relying on luck.

Lately I've heard a lot of people saying that "staying in is the new going out." And while I'm pretty sure we happened to be out on the town when this was said, many people are honestly trying to tighten their purse strings, watch what they spend and make the most out of what they've got.

Every month it is important that we're able to afford the necessities (such as rent and electricity) and have a few dollars left over for one's wants and desires. In my case, that always seems to be champagne -- pink if possible -- and good company.

I know that many feel that this drink of choice should be reserved for special occasions such as weddings, engagements or graduations. But I don't like society deciding which occasions are special enough for the bubbly. In fact, I think that the pleasant sound of the cork popping and the fizz of a good pour are cause enough for celebration, but the list could go on and on ... Bubbles and bacon ... Pop a cork for Rork ... Champagne in the rain . . .

Now this could be an expensive habit if I wanted the priciest bubbles or fanciest of surroundings, but I'm happy with the reasonable bottles shared in the comfort of home with the closest of friends. The same goes for dinner parties. Sure we have many wonderful restaurants on every street corner and we should enjoy them all. But just because you're not going out on the town with a vengeance every single night doesn't mean you have to feel like you're missing out. In fact, sometimes when you're cutting corners you can find yourself right in the middle of something important.

Lucky for us, this town happens to offer quite a few social activities that require little funding and provide plenty of fun if you take the time to look for them.

My newest endeavor is joining the Southernmost Bocce League. Team Wish Bliss recently came to be and, so far, I must say that this game, which is kinda like outdoor bowling, is right up my alley! Our team of lovely ladies will be strutting our stuff on Monday nights and have some pretty high hopes. Granted, we've only gathered for a few practices where we whimsically tossed the balls back and forth while sipping white wine spritzers and swapping stories, but we're pretty good.

Plus, we've recruited a coach and have been trying to learn all of the rules so as not to jeopardize our privilege to be part of this highly competitive league. We also have some manly cheerleaders but could always use more, so come in support and BYO whatever -- it's so much cheaper than a bar tab.

As is attending a co-ed softball game, which I used to play a couple nights a week at Bayview Park. The players are terrific, the crowd is enthusiastic and time flies by as you socialize over a little exercise. It doesn't cost a lot to have beer in the dugout and hotdogs in the stands, but it sure means a lot to be a part of something and most importantly, it builds a great tradition.

There are book clubs, runners clubs, sailing clubs, dance lessons, church groups, swimming relays, movie memberships, AA meetings, meet and greets, golf tournaments, countless classes, seminars, lectures, and lessons to be learned on every block of every town, everywhere you go. You can gain experience, enlightenment and entertainment without spending a fortune and even better, you can win life's biggest lottery and find yourself rich in friends.

So bottom line, if you want to save your money -- give away your time. Become a part of something. Join a team. Volunteer. Gather your friends, drink some champagne and brainstorm about what you can do to change the routine and possibly create a whole new one. Tradition can start with you, and it can start today.

If you can pay your bills, you're not too broke to pay attention

(7.23.09)

Are you a happy camper? Let's just say, for the most part, is your existence relatively unscathed by the touch of tragedy and devastation? Now, we all have our problems and wish things could be better at times, but are you in a place in your life that could be much, much worse?

Good -- I'm genuinely happy that you're happy and now I have a little job for you. If you're happy and you know it -- help a friend.

First of all, it's your civic duty. Secondly, it's rewarding in more ways than one and finally, it's in the best interest of the greater good. We've all heard of random acts of kindness, right? While I'm sure all kinds of kindness are appreciated, I don't think our kindness needs to be necessarily random. In fact, I think it's pretty important that we handpick the objects of our affection because, well, it's plain and simple, some need it a little more than others.

Can't you think of at least one friend or relative whose happy flag is barely flying at half mast? Someone who doesn't complain but has a lot of ammunition if they ever wanted to start? Perhaps someone older who doesn't get out much and would beam for hours if you just picked up the phone to say hello?

Odds are that right now someone you can help is dealing with something horrible -- a health scare, a breakup, bankruptcy or death. Pay attention so that you avoid neglecting those who nurtured you, and make a conscious effort to make someone else's day.

Now, I'm not expecting you to change the world for everybody -- just change the day for somebody and then do it again tomorrow and the next day.

Currently, I'm doing my part by counseling quite a few ladies devastated by recent developments in the relationship department. How am I qualified for such a position you may ask? The answer is simple ... I was appointed. Much like alcoholics choose a sponsor, a couple of my friends who are going through breakups have chosen me as a crutch. That entails early morning coffee talks, late night wine chats, tears, advice, laughter and time -- the most important element.

I call it boot camp for break-ups and it seems to be working. Generally people complain about how there aren't enough hours in the day. That is of course not the case when you happen to be extremely sad and are trying not to call or think about a certain someone. Which is why it is extremely important to have a breakup buddy who's thick-skinned enough to not only listen to the same open-ended questions and wonderment of "what went wrong"? they're also there to answer with "he went wrong, that's what happened."

Then it's all about keeping those teetering on the edge of depression busy, happy and hydrated. What's the best way to cheer someone up and usually the first idea anyone suggests when they want to be of help? Cocktails and company! There's just nothing like slipping into something a little more comfortable and getting down to the core of the issue with friends. Then comes the laughter -- which is of course the best medicine.

Case in point. Everyone knows what beer goggles are, right? They are certainly not an accessory you want to be notorious for sporting and should be reserved for very few special occasions if any. The same goes for booze shoes -- a term that was coined the other night after an embarrassing footwear fiasco.

In her haste to hurry and help a friend, someone in the group, and I won't name any names, threw on two different shoes -- one red and one black -- and didn't even notice. Granted it was dark in her apartment, she was rushing around after a glass or three of wine, and the shoes she picked were somewhat similar.

OK, let's just say that I thought I was wearing my Kino sandals, but it turns out I was kickin' my Ki -- oh -- no's!

Thankfully, I got by with a little help from my friends, who kindly pointed out my tipsy toes before I'd paraded them all around town. We had a few good laughs and somehow I convinced everyone else to swap a shoe so we all looked equally idiotic -- good times.

All I'm saying is that it's fairly easy to pick up the phone, send a card or grab a cup of coffee and offer your time to someone. Take a moment to fill your karma banks, share your sunshine and graciously give when you're able, and receive when you're not.

Everyday your presence is a gift you are able to offer the world -- make sure you're only sharing yourself with worthy recipients.

You're so vain . . . you probably think this column's about you

(7.16.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

Don't you? We all know a few people who are a little bit self-absorbed. In fact, the world seems to revolve around plenty of people who fail to see the forest for the trees because they're too busy looking at their own branches. The inability to empathize is a maddening condition that affects everyone on occasion and, sadly, is far from curable.

Pretty much if you are not a thoughtful, caring, reasonable and honest person some of the time, odds are you are an arrogant idiot most of the time and deserve a public lashing. Technically (and legally) we're not allowed to do that, which is a shame because I'd be the first to set up shop with a whipping post. Beating sense into the senseless would surely be a booming business but for now, verbal lashings will have to do.

Now I understand that it is somewhat normal to be a little bit self-absorbed and, admittedly, at times even I can be overly concerned with yours truly. After all, we have to be selfish now and then in order to care for ourselves and our families, but there is a huge difference between self-awareness and self-absorption, and I suggest everyone take a little time to note the difference.

For example, checking a colorful weekly publication thoroughly to see if any photos were published of yourself could be considered as being self-aware. On the other hand, creating a colorful weekly publication to ensure your photo will be published is a tad on the self-absorbed side. I'm just saying ...

When you are self-absorbed, most if not all of your conversations are regarding your accomplishments and you're often caught tooting your own horn. In fact, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you even brag about being an awesome horn-tooter, the newest Prada bag and a black belt in tae kwon do. Generally, conversations rarely stray from topics you choose, and if they do, you shamelessly insert yourself back into the limelight right on cue. True?

Speaking of shame, some of the seriously selfish don't put a lot of time or energy into their appearance, manners or relationships. Why? Simply because they feel they don't have to. They're fantastic enough as it is and those in their presence should be honored they have the privilege. Please. You can often fool a few minions with your confidence, but when your true colors start to show, you ditch the non-believers and move on without a fight; "if you don't think I'm fabulous, someone else surely will," and on goes the cycle of the plagued people who will never learn.

What about the "one-uppers?" And I'm guessing we're all guilty of committing this faux pas once or twice. But seriously people, no one likes a show off, especially if you are a frequent offender. "Oh, your canoe trip sounds lovely, but I just got back from Tibet where I hung out with the Dalai Lama." If you religiously trump other people's stories to the point of being predictable, take notice ... because others definitely are.

And I think it's safe to say that we've all encountered plenty of individuals who haven't lost an argument in their entire life, or at least in their own huge heads. But let me tell you, just because you're righteous doesn't make you right and similarly, just because you have a few accomplishments under your belt doesn't make you accomplished.

I'll admit that I've gotten carried away while chatting about my joys and sorrows and failed to ask others about theirs. But I quickly take notice and remedy the situation and certainly try not to make a habit out of it. We have friends in order to share our triumphs, vent to when angry, and lean on when sad ... and we are expected to reciprocate. There doesn't need to be a running tally of who owes whom a favor, but if you're only calling your "friends" when you need someone to help you move, it's no secret and it's not very endearing.

Neither is constantly reminding anyone who will listen how amazing you are, what hobbies you enjoy and how you like your coffee. Bring a little more to the table. Inquire about what's going on in the lives of others and kindly pay attention to what you can offer the world and those around you.

There are those who have accumulated and, most importantly, nurtured their friendships over a lifetime, and those who juggle acquaintances when circumstances are pleasant or profitable for them. It's never too late to profit from being pleasant to people, because no matter how good you are at juggling, even you will drop the ball from time to time.

And for those of you who have "You're so vain" stuck in your head, you're welcome, and don't worry, I wasn't talking about you ...

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail Trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

We’re going to party like it’s 1999 or 2009 . . . Or simply because it’s Thursday!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(7.9.09)

As we all know, parties just don’t make themselves. In fact, it’s the people that make the parties and I’ll be the first to admit that because of all of the parties going on in this town, it doesn’t take long for the people to get pooped.

There is a lot of careful planning and preparation that goes into hosting a shindig leading some to believe that it is best to be just a guest, which is still work by the way. However, on other occasions, nothing is better than being the guest of honor or the host with the most and showing off your ability to entertain.

Except for the clean up aspect, which can be like a crime scene investigation that’s full of interesting clues and embarrassing realizations. Did someone really try and make a bloody Mary with Heinz ketchup? And seriously, who thought it would be fun to make mustard ice cubes?

Anyhow, for those of us who call the Southernmost island our home, there are plenty of opportunities to partake in a party or 30 a night, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

The social Mecca that is Key West is so jam packed with events that if you wanted to, you could celebrate something new every day and pretty much live party to party without ever having to grocery shop.

The hustle and bustle of every day chores are often woven into the obligatory chore of making it to a Christmas party, Fantasy Fest, wine tasting, birthday, art show or picnic. Not too mention the beach gatherings, dinner parties, reunions and weddings we’re expected to attend. When you are a friend to many, it means that your “spare” time becomes “their” time, but for the most part you’ll wind up having a good time, so we really shouldn’t complain. (Unless I’m in desperate need of some Traci time after going weeks without sitting on my couch watching the Comcastic cable I pay so much for).

While there are events and parties every day in every town, I must commend the community in the Keys for the ability to both plan and execute fantastic fiestas for all ages. Eventhough very few of us tend to grow up.

Case in point: I remember my mom asking me what I wanted for my 25th birthday and knowing immediately that I was in desperate need of a Slip N Slide if I was indeed going to be hosting a Slip N Slide party.

She couldn’t resist the urge to point out that a few of her friends were helping their daughters my age pick out wedding dresses, while she was hunting for a plastic toy for ages 4 and up. Nonetheless, she came through in the clutch, as did someone else so we had not one but TWO Slip N Slides to skid across, providing fun and pain that lasted for days.

There has also been a blow up bouncy castle birthday party, golf scrambles, pool parties, boat days, sleepovers, bachelorette parties . . . . Plus I have a sneaking suspicion that there will be more to come draining us all of our time, energy and funds.

So, due to limited funds and unlimited festivities, it’s safe to say that if I show up at your party empty handed, it means that I consider my presence to be your present! And rest assured that when my day of birth rolls around in late September, you’re welcome to do the same - show up and smile!

In the meantime, here’s a little present for everyone that is free, fabulous and already provided me with endless hours of entertainment . . . The Web site: textsfromlastnight.com.

A good party always provides a few lasting memories and while you may not remember much . . . Someone else will. So here is a preview of a few of the random, drunk texts people have received and shared on that Web site for our viewing pleasure . . . Enjoy!

“Rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. Twice.”

“I want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn”
“What?”
“I wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn”

“Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.”

“I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome”

“Got weed?”
“I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.”
“Sorry mom. . . “

To further Inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com and to catch up on past ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

These are the Days of our Lives . . . make em good!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(7.2.09)

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives” ~ Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

Why is it that most people only start paying attention to their money when they start running out of it? And I’ll also be the first to say, that also seems to be the case when people start running out of time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve used this very space to advocate the art of procrastination and believe a little is necessary for one‘s own sanity, but I also wonder if at times it has gotten a little too out of hand?

Are we a generation so plagued by procrastination that we float through life waiting for random things to fall from space instead of actively orchestrating what’s taking place? Have we gotten a little too comfortable on island time and realized that time has gotten away from us?

If that is the case, I’m going to say that right now, more than ever, it is the perfect time to seize the day instead of merely waiting for things to go your way. Let’s face it people, we’re not getting any younger and “A year from now you will wish you had started today,” - said Karen Lamb.

Whether that’s about saving money, exercising, going back to school, or whatever the case may be, get the ball rolling because:

1.) The economy is in the toilet so we should be getting extremely motivated about making more money and spending way less, and 2.) People, both real and famous, have been dropping like flies lately so it wouldn’t be a bad time to throw a little Carpe Diem into the mix before our own time runs out.

"Seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow", goes the ode, warning that the future is unknowable, and that all we are promised is the gift of the present. As well as the gift of other people’s presence in our present, if that makes sense. Parents, grandparents, friends, co-workers, pets and acquaintances share life’s stage with us for a limited time only and we should be grateful for all they contribute, and even say so on occasion.

So yes, this little mind game of carpe diem is to ensure that you have the most amazing life by tricking/motivating yourself into believing every day could be your last. How uplifting. But when you think about the uncertainty of every single thing we encounter, life in general should be lived with a little more edge because you just never know which way things could go.

You should start as many projects as possible, read whatever you can get your hands on, talk to as many people as you can stand and get as much done as your energy will allow.

Am I suggesting that we all be a little more polite, responsible, active and patient in our daily endeavors? Well mostly, but how in the hell are you supposed to be patient when it could be your last day on earth? Seriously?

While I definitely think that we should take more time to savor the small things and put a little more planning into the bigger things, I also think we need to exist with just a little more enthusiasm altogether. Be real about whatever it is that you feel, and be proud of your accomplishments, both completed and those to come.

Now if I died tomorrow, would I be completely satisfied and thrilled with this last column? Not exactly. Let’s just say that I know this is no Pulitzer Prize winner, but at least I finished it. And truth be told, if even one person decided to seize the day with a little more conviction than they used yesterday, I’d be pretty happy. It’s easy to get comfortable in general, but sometimes you have to work at getting comfortable with yourself.

So, as William James smartly said “To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

Now if you decide that your last day on earth is still going to be spent with a few moments of procrastination sprinkled in, allow me to offer you at least one suggestion: Awkwardfamilyphotos.com.

This Web site that is guaranteed to make you laugh, appreciate your family no matter how weird they are, and waste just a little bit of time in your day before you get to seizing it.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com

Island fever ~ the call it sister season for a reason!

Miss Informed
By Traci Rork

(6.25.09)

On this island, you can’t escape the ex-factor. Everyone you know at one time or another dated someone else you known and there are tangled webs everywhere you look. Even more so in the summer.

Admit it. Everyone has an ex who dated someone they know or disapprove of. Sometimes unfortunately, this occurs while they are still dating you, and this often goes down in the summer. Whether it is a best friend, acquaintance, co-worker or sister - It seems that people in this town change partners more than square dancers, and everyone gets caught in the chaos at some point in time. So be grateful if this isn’t your year in the sordid spotlight, but be prepared to help someone who is - it is June after all, and July generally isn’t any better.

Think about it. Those of us who have lived in Key West for awhile can attest to the fact that this island is incredibly small. Everyone’s business quickly becomes everyone else’s business - and even more so in the summer. That’s when the Africa heat along with the constant threat of hurricanes keep the tourists at bay.

While there might be thousands of eligible bachelors/bachelorettes out there who don’t come with obvious baggage, plenty of people are going to do what they want to do regardless of the fallout, or any warnings they’ve been offered. They choose the spotlight.

This predictable phenomenon is nothing new (here or anywhere else in the world) and has been referred to as the “sister season” by many old-timers. This is a sultry season where conflicts of interest arise, summertime scandals come alive and friendships often falter because of inappropriate liaisons - sometimes even between sister. Now don’t get me wrong, the trauma of drama rears its’ ugly head year round in plenty of relationships - but I must say that summertime is just a little bit hotter in the tropics.

As we speak, porches around town are overflowing with cocktails and conversation about the budding romances and questionable relationships that are taking place, some way more drastic than others. Right now, plenty of people are discussing what’s politically correct, what’s socially acceptable, and ultimately who is in the wrong…for now. Before you start writing in to say you’re better than that and have more important things to talk about…congratulations….you’re probably a liar and have very boring dinner parties.

Now Key West is a lot like high school, only more equivalent to a college campus both in size and population. After a few years on the island, things start to get a little too familiar. Assuming you’re paying attention, which you’re pretty much forced to do, you can quickly find six degrees of separation (or usually less) between anyone and easily connect the dots between just about everyone you know. Gross!

Just like the tabloids where they list every flame Hollywood stars have dated since the beginning of time. They live in a fishbowl and everyone is kept up to date with their current situations, as well as past endeavors, much like the Key West community. It doesn’t take much to be instantly briefed on the relationship rundown of anyone on the island . . . Just ask. Someone will immediately catch you up - whether they know what they’re talking about or not.

As the Conch Crawls….and as time goes by, the old scandals become disposable as the new ones quickly start taking their place. It’s amazing how interested and involved a community can become and how very necessary friends can be, when one is faced with adversary.

Sometimes it’s harder to get rid of the wrong one than it is to find the right one. I can’t tell you how many deserving, amazing and intelligent women have been stuck with a schmuck for WAY too long. That is until “Dump the Chump” support groups are resurrected and the troops swoop in with champagne to help with the healing. It often takes a village to get rid of the idiot.

We’ve all rolled our eyes when a predictable friend gives the “I’m never talking to him again, this time it’s so over,” speech. Only to find her walking hand in hand days later with Shady McShaderson after hours of careful evaluation proved that he has no redeeming qualities and somewhat of a lisp. . . Help her!

There are a million different Web sites such as E Harmony and Match.com which are designed to put together a compatible couple and give them a happily ever after. Too bad there are probably more people in the world dealing with breakups instead, which coincidentally require just as much of a commitment (if not more) than the relationship themselves. But until someone invents break-up boot camp and dating for dummies, we’re stuck listening to the advise of friends who love us . . . And go figure . . . some even have firsthand knowledge on the subject.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

You made your bed . . . Now sleep in it . . . Or at least try!

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.18.09)

Clean sheets, fluffed pillows, a slight breeze and silence.

I’ll be the first to admit that there’s nothing better than preparing for and executing a luxurious night of restful slumber.

“There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night’s sleep” - Edgar Watson Howe said.

Not a lackadaisical lounge on the couch or a cat-nap with the radio on, but the well-planned and uninterrupted hibernation that we all need and deserve. (Provided our crazy dreams don’t get in the way).

So why is it that for some reason, there are a million things in the world that disrupt this privilege? Snoring, roosters, upstairs neighbors playing high heeled relays, trash men, and that’s just to name a few. Oh how annoying each one is individually, and collectively, they could push a sane person over the edge.

The worst would have to be snoring. The loud, annoying proof that someone within earshot is obviously asleep. Women have resorted to holding their husband’s noses shut, making them wear mouth guards or driving a good old fashioned knee to the back - whatever works. But generally the window of quiet opportunity closes quickly, so hurry and doze off before the roosters start.

And even more annoying than a rooster crowing, is a rooster who sucks at crowing. That’s what I like to call a “cock-a-doodle-don’t”. Let’s just say that not everybody should be allowed to welcome the rising sun, but that doesn’t stop the garbage men does it? While I appreciate their service greatly, why was it decided that 5 a.m. was the most opportune time to shake huge metal bins filled with thousands of glass bottles up and down the street? I’m sure there’s a logical reason, I just find it a bit inconvenient, that’s all.

Now every once and awhile, we all have to take the blame for psyching ourselves out to the point of alertness, thus sabotaging our chance at a sleeping oasis.

Either you’re leaving on trip the next day, you have a big test or a job interview, whatever the case, nights prior to these events are often sleepless. You’re too excited. You can’t stop running through your mental ‘to do’ list and keep checking the clock and doing the math to see how many hours of sleep you’ll get if you fell asleep right now! Forget about it - our active minds ruin any chance of sleep for our tired bodies and we’re left helpless.

It seems that when we need sleep the most, that’s when we’re unable to grasp any because the pressure is on. And then of course, when the pressure is on and we’re required to tackle other necessary obligations, we’re extremely exhausted and can barely keep our eyes open. It’s a double edged sword - can’t sleep when you’re supposed to, can’t help sleeping when you’re not.

And don’t you just love it when you finally fall asleep but you spend the entire night slinking through dark, musty alleys hiding from ninjas that want your sword, which turns into a butter knife before flying away as a butterfly? Yeah - crazy, random, intense dreams that drain your strength, waste your energy, and make you question your mental health - especially if you dare to share them out loud.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but no matter how excited you are to tell someone about a dream you had about them, they’ll never care half as much as you do about it. Sure, they may be flattered that you thought of them in a subconscious state, but it always comes out sounding like a crazy acid trip braided with reality that unravels the second you start re-telling it. So keep a dream journal if you wish, but don’t necessarily feel compelled to keep everyone posted when they have a cameo in one of your demented dreams. “You were you, but then you turned into LC from the Hills and I was mad at you because you slept with Sam who was staying with me in Vegas, but I think it was California because there was a beach with a water slide and ….”. You’ve lost me. . . Just stop.

Now Lucid Dreaming is an interesting topic I learned about in a psychology class and studied profusely. However I failed miserably at actually becoming the puppeteer of my own imagination. It’s just not an easy feat to lasso our minds and force places and faces to make sense. That’s just not the way it works. You wait all day to go to sleep and then gamble with the subject matter every night.…sometimes resting can be exhausting.

So relish the times you‘re able to clutch on to 8 hours of restful slumber, and if you want to be a good tourist and help a local sleep… take a rooster home with you.

To further inform Miss Informed, please e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

I’m not going to name names…but I saw you doing the walk of shame

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.11.09)

On occasion and for several different reasons, people sometimes fail to make it home at night. Late parties with friends, the unexpected love connection and alcohol are all often to blame for a little phenomenon we know as the walk of shame.

Whether it's a walk, more of a jog or even a scooter ride, spotting someone on the walk of shame in this town is like playing a 3-D version of Where's Waldo. It could actually be a sport. Smeared make-up, crazy bed head and an ensemble not intended for breakfast are dead giveaways that someone didn't quite make it home the night before. More than once, I've seen barefoot girls in their party clothes squinting at the sun and looking up and down Duval Street, trying to remember where their hotel is. Now, the island is only 4 by 2 miles wide, but that sure seems big when people are trying to wander back to where they belong (usually without sunglasses, in some sort of hung over pain and harboring feelings of remorse).

Just on a quick, early morning bike ride for coffee, one can stumble across several people sneaking through the streets trying to get out of their limbo: somewhere between saying goodbye to the night and hello to the morning. One can hope and pray that the morning is the only thing you'll have to greet but in this town that's unlikely so be prepared to die of embarrassment. The path from where you are to where you need to be can seem daunting but gather your belongings, suck it up and get it over with.

People often go on these early morning parades surrounded by the smell of alcohol and cigarettes, wearing the familiar fashions of the evening before, or sporting an oversized shacker shirt that the fellas never ever get back. Sometimes shamers are spotted holding their high heels as they meander home to the sound of the roosters. And on other occasions, they're empty handed as it seems they lost their shoes, along with their purse, cell phones and dignity. This happens on college campuses daily and quite possibly on an hourly basis in Key West, so keep your eyes peeled.

The scooter shamers go by fast but are the best to spot because they offer the most info. You not only get to see "Mary Jane" being driven home early in the morning, but you also get to see who she's clinging to.

And how very nice of the guys who assist the ladies in getting home, but pay attention to the route they choose in doing so. Did they proudly cart you down White Street or were back roads chosen as a means to avoid witnesses? I'm just saying...

Sometimes this dreaded phenomenon takes place after Halloween or Fantasy Fest when costumes come into play. That's when things get really interesting. And just so you know, it's impossible to make it from point A to point B under the radar when you're dressed like Spongebob Squarepants. As far as the spectators go, these are the most rewarding walks to witness or even assist with, as I had the pleasure of doing in college after a Pimps and Ho's fraternity party.

The phone call went something like this at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning. "Dude, you so have to come pick me up at the Sigma Chi house -- there is no way I'm walking through the quad in a mini skirt and knee-high boots ... please ... I'll love you forever," my friend Jenny whispered into the phone so as not to wake any of our fratastic friends. Of course I showed up to her rescue and while she appreciated having someone to share the shame with over some laughs, she didn't appreciate me honking the horn while I was out front. It couldn't be helped.

Anyhow, the phrase "walk of shame" is defined as "a phenomenon in which a person must walk past strangers or peers alone for an embarrassing reason before reaching a place of privacy."

Since it's a common situation that many face over time, some crafty creators are marketing "Walk of Shame Kits" with proceeds going to benefit Breast Cancer Foundations. The backpack includes a rolled up dress, flip flops, sunglasses, a pre-pasted toothbrush, wipes, call/don't call leave-behind note cards, and a breast cancer awareness bracelet. Seriously? Who is going to set out for a night on the town with a slut bag strapped to their back?

So now that we've talked about the walk, I propose we all play a little game called the "Walk of Shame Hall of Fame" and start comparing stories.

To further inform Miss Informed e-mail trork@ keysnews.com.

Nice can only get you so far . . . Spice can take you the rest of the way.

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

(6.4.09)

According to the movie Bambi and skunk named Thumper, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

(Cue the cricket sounds).

Too bad if we all followed that advice, we’d be living in a pretty silent world and Miss Informed’s column would end right here. That is not because we are mean-spirited people, but rather because it’s unavoidable and healthy to let your feelings out and purge yourself from frustration whenever possible.

A few people in history have also used the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me!” I certainly appreciate this quote better and have found it far more fitting and realistic.

There are generally two types of emotions that prompt a person to go off on a tangent: Anger and happiness. Think about it, every day when you interact with people they’re either polite and short - offering normal and generic greetings… or they can’t tell you enough about their upcoming wedding/divorce. We are more likely to share our feelings and situations with others when they reach the extreme ends of the spectrum. The most entertaining stories include the best of times or the worst of times. and truth be told, I personally think that the worst of times holds an audience better.

In the past, when I’ve used this space as a venting vault, the words seemed to fly onto the page as I effortlessly reached the desired word count before I felt like I’d even made a dent in the topic. Go figure. Thoughts just flow like a stream when you’re blowing off steam…

Case in point: The Citizen’s Voice. A voicemail box where one can vent anonymously and as often and freely as they’d like. And trust me, there’s never been a shortage of material for that column and editors never have a problem filling that space. Be it the roosters or people failing to pick up their dog’s crap, when we are pissed is when we’re most likely to speak up.

It’s just so easy to go on and on about a bad day where you stepped in gum, your bike got stolen and you found out that Damn Good Foods was going to be closed for a bit. Wa wa wa … we are surrounded by Debbie Downers daily and eventually, we all morph into her on occasion. I’m here to tell you - that’s okay.

I saw a bumper stick once that said “Women don’t burp, fart or poop, therefore they must bitch or they’d explode.”

Our complaints, and those coming from the men as well, are expected and welcomed by others who likely have a few things they’d like to get off their chest. It usually isn’t hard to find a companion to scratch an itch with, especially in this town where like-minded people are generally miffed about the same topics.

On the other hand, I’m a Libra, which means I would love nothing more than to appease everyone and keep everything on an even keel. While of course this is an unrealistic goal, it is even more far-fetched now that my aptly named column “Miss Informed” debuted and I’ve been allowed to ramble on about whatever.

Every week it’s guaranteed that I will prompt a reader to become a writer and make me fully aware of my Miss Takes and Miss Prints. Thankfully, for my sanity and entertainment, plenty of people write in to agree with me and tell their own stories, which are extremely appreciated and often hilarious.

In a small town such as Key West, it is important that we try our best not to step on anyone’s toes and avoid weaving any tangled webs. However, it is also important that we exercise our sense of humor and offer our opinions, whatever they may be . . . and I’m not going to lie, I’ve found that if you’re not Miss Behaving too badly, you can get away with some Miss Chief every once and awhile.

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort,” - Herm Albright.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keysnews.com.

Editor’s note: The resort mentioned in last week’s column does offer locals VIP treatment and access to the pools and spas if they purchase an exclusive lifetime membership. There is a one time initiation fee of $5,500 with a monthly rate of $250. From July 5 through September, all interested locals and a friend are invited to come in for a free day pass and legitimately take advantage of the hotel’s amenities. For more information, call 305.293.6201 or email thebeachclub@luxuryresorts.com.