Have you played with yourself lately? Happiness is in your hands!

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.13.09)

I just want everyone to take a moment to think about how much fun you have by yourselves. Now don't get all excited you creeps, nothing perverted is intended here.

Do you genuinely enjoy your own company? Do you laugh at your own jokes, dance when no one is looking and find yourself thoroughly entertaining? Well if you don't ... others won't, so start paying attention.

Quality time doesn't have to require a counterpart. In fact, I highly recommend alone time, which is not to be confused with loneliness.

In the past I've talked about remembering to send cards to your grandmas, being generous with your time and other necessary niceties that fill the karma bank and spread some sunshine. But now I think it's time we start investing in ourselves and taking good care of number one.

Some may say it's selfish to seclude yourself from the world and your loved ones, but I say it's selfish not to. If we're not happy with ourselves to begin with, what good are we to anyone else? It's time everyone starts to realize that your happiness depends on you -- not your circumstances.

For example, are you a total grump who could squeeze out a smile periodically but fights the urge just to maintain your snide image? Does everyone you encounter annoy you, seem inferior, and here only to complicate your life? Take a little break to envision rainbows and butterflies or cotton candy and French fries -- whatever makes you happy.

You can't fight a smile forever and you're not doing anyone any favors by being miserable. All around the world there are plenty of cynical, jaded and negative people lurking among us. Just last week I had the pleasure of encountering a few on our own island. To them I say, "You can blame the full moon but I blame you."

"Some pursue happiness -- others create it," someone smart once said and now I'm echoing that sentiment.

You choose to be happy, and you should start every morning by standing in front of a mirror. Quit waiting for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet, your mom to come over and do your laundry or a rich uncle to die and leave you everything. Instead, take a good, long look at yourself. Not your circumstances, but your self.

Guess what? You are someone's Prince Charming ... You are someone's doting mother ... You are someone's boss or mentor and you're "good enough, smart enough and doggone-it -- people like you!"

Now after repeating this Saturday Night Live mantra, flare your nostrils 10 times and try not to laugh. Do the Elvis lip curl and then try and switch sides. Pretty funny huh? Do the dishes in high heels, or clean your house with the music blaring and dance from room to room. Write in a journal and read it often and make your life sound as fabulous as you want it to be. Have fun ... Completely alone.

Key West locals are often lollygagging from birthday party to happy hour with a few barbecues thrown in between. Even during the slow days of summer, there are plenty of festivities to attend, as we happen to cohabitate on a party island of epic proportions.

But for the sake of the entire human race -- schedule a party of one on occasion and make sure you do a little inventory.

Happiness does not depend on what car you drive, how impressive your job is or what kind of family you're blessed/cursed with. Happiness is more of a decision, a state of mind that can affect the poor just as easily as it can avoid the rich.

Money doesn't buy happiness, love doesn't cure all, and dreams don't always come true. In fact, according to Aristotle, it's all quite simple, "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient."

So, if you want to be happy -- start cheering yourself up! Make yourself the perfect cup of coffee, take yourself on an early morning stroll or flirt with yourself in the mirror while no one's looking. "How you doin'?"

Bottom line: Enjoy yourself -- and others will be tempted to do the same.

To further inform Miss Informed e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

I may have just broken the law but if I did, so did you ... and you

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.6.09)

Now before the cops start breaking down my door I should probably clarify a few things. I didn't rob a bank, beat anyone up or illegally trap lobster. Believe it or not, I was actually trying to make the world a better place by improving the planet's fiscal woes when I committed this questionable deed.

It just so happened that immediately after the alleged and purely innocent act, I couldn't help but gasp and google my way through the Internet to find out if I had indeed just broken the law and defaced a dollar bill.

For the record, I didn't scribble on George Washington's face or write "for a good time call ..." it was much more mature and necessary than that. You see, a while ago I stumbled upon a dollar bill that said "Anyone who receives this will be blessed with a lot of money."

Perfect! It was like an unexpected fortune cookie had just landed in my wallet telling me what I wanted and needed to hear. So I did what anyone else would do and tucked it away waiting for the magic to happen. Well, I'm still waiting, so when I stumbled upon my "lucky" buck the other day, I paid more attention to detail.

It also said, "write this on 10 other bills -- it works." I told myself, "hello -- no wonder you haven't been blessed in the bank yet ... You haven't fulfilled your end of the deal."

Now I know what you're thinking. Nice job idiot! We've all gotten threatening chain letters and e-mails that pester us into pestering 10 others so as not to disrupt our karma. We've ignored and erased them and lived to tell about it with no tragedies directly related to how we handled those pushy suggestions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so forgive me for wanting to spread a little hope and sunshine into a financially bleak world (and for selfishly yearning to somehow win the lottery without ever buying a ticket).

Times are tough, so much so, that I could only scrounge up two measly dollars to write the mantra on and possibly secure my fate and fortune. Go figure, and to top it off, had I just committed a felony punishable by up to six months in jail?

After extensive research I'm happy to inform you that I'm not currently a fugitive. Apparently, it's not illegal to write on your money per say ... you're just not supposed to mutilate, cut, glue together or burn your dough (according to title 18, section 333 of the United States Code). Basically, if you can still read and spend the money, you're pretty much OK.

Well that's a good thing for everyone who has stapled a dollar bill with their name on it at various bars and restaurants across the country. There are even a couple places in the Keys were you can find a dizzying array of cash that overlaps, dangles and sheds light on the people who once possessed -- and ultimately ended the ongoing journey of -- a dollar bill.

Money travels far and wide, housed in the pockets of plenty of people from all walks of life. The average life of a $1 bill in circulation is 21 months before it is replaced due to wear, according to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Think about how many places a dollar can go in nearly a year. How many people it can link together every second and the millions of possibilities of profound contradiction it provides daily.

How many church donation baskets are filled with money once used to gamble or buy drugs? And by the way, how many school lunches or cups of coffee are bought with dollars that were once tucked in a stripper's thong? The list goes on.

You see, passing these notes from person to person has become such a practiced part of our lives that we don't even pay much attention to what we hold in our hands. We don't really take the time to visualize all of the people who have also touched that same piece of paper and carried it through a part of their life.

If they could talk, those little, green, rectangular pieces of paper we see, touch and smell everyday -- would have quite the story to tell ... And some already do. I'm not trying to start a defacing movement here or anything, I'm just saying ... what a limitless way to send a message.

So, to ensure that your day won't be cloaked in chaos and tainted with tragedy, quickly distribute 10 $1 bills that say "Miss Informed is my favorite columnist and definitely deserves a raise."

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keys news.com and to catch some of her previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

Time for a little drink-o-nomics -- Champagne taste on a beer budget

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(7.30.09)

How's it going my fellow penny pinchers? I'm assuming that for many, gone are the days of frivolous spending and carelessness with our cash. Everyone is starting to pay a lot more attention to what they make -- and just how much it takes -- to fund a fun night out with friends.

The results are scary, especially in this town, and the fact that the Green Parrot started taking credit cards certainly doesn't help the situation.

Don't get me wrong, just because many of us are now considered "ballers on a budget" doesn't mean that we can't partake in the parties. We just need to know how to balance our bucks without relying on luck.

Lately I've heard a lot of people saying that "staying in is the new going out." And while I'm pretty sure we happened to be out on the town when this was said, many people are honestly trying to tighten their purse strings, watch what they spend and make the most out of what they've got.

Every month it is important that we're able to afford the necessities (such as rent and electricity) and have a few dollars left over for one's wants and desires. In my case, that always seems to be champagne -- pink if possible -- and good company.

I know that many feel that this drink of choice should be reserved for special occasions such as weddings, engagements or graduations. But I don't like society deciding which occasions are special enough for the bubbly. In fact, I think that the pleasant sound of the cork popping and the fizz of a good pour are cause enough for celebration, but the list could go on and on ... Bubbles and bacon ... Pop a cork for Rork ... Champagne in the rain . . .

Now this could be an expensive habit if I wanted the priciest bubbles or fanciest of surroundings, but I'm happy with the reasonable bottles shared in the comfort of home with the closest of friends. The same goes for dinner parties. Sure we have many wonderful restaurants on every street corner and we should enjoy them all. But just because you're not going out on the town with a vengeance every single night doesn't mean you have to feel like you're missing out. In fact, sometimes when you're cutting corners you can find yourself right in the middle of something important.

Lucky for us, this town happens to offer quite a few social activities that require little funding and provide plenty of fun if you take the time to look for them.

My newest endeavor is joining the Southernmost Bocce League. Team Wish Bliss recently came to be and, so far, I must say that this game, which is kinda like outdoor bowling, is right up my alley! Our team of lovely ladies will be strutting our stuff on Monday nights and have some pretty high hopes. Granted, we've only gathered for a few practices where we whimsically tossed the balls back and forth while sipping white wine spritzers and swapping stories, but we're pretty good.

Plus, we've recruited a coach and have been trying to learn all of the rules so as not to jeopardize our privilege to be part of this highly competitive league. We also have some manly cheerleaders but could always use more, so come in support and BYO whatever -- it's so much cheaper than a bar tab.

As is attending a co-ed softball game, which I used to play a couple nights a week at Bayview Park. The players are terrific, the crowd is enthusiastic and time flies by as you socialize over a little exercise. It doesn't cost a lot to have beer in the dugout and hotdogs in the stands, but it sure means a lot to be a part of something and most importantly, it builds a great tradition.

There are book clubs, runners clubs, sailing clubs, dance lessons, church groups, swimming relays, movie memberships, AA meetings, meet and greets, golf tournaments, countless classes, seminars, lectures, and lessons to be learned on every block of every town, everywhere you go. You can gain experience, enlightenment and entertainment without spending a fortune and even better, you can win life's biggest lottery and find yourself rich in friends.

So bottom line, if you want to save your money -- give away your time. Become a part of something. Join a team. Volunteer. Gather your friends, drink some champagne and brainstorm about what you can do to change the routine and possibly create a whole new one. Tradition can start with you, and it can start today.

If you can pay your bills, you're not too broke to pay attention

(7.23.09)

Are you a happy camper? Let's just say, for the most part, is your existence relatively unscathed by the touch of tragedy and devastation? Now, we all have our problems and wish things could be better at times, but are you in a place in your life that could be much, much worse?

Good -- I'm genuinely happy that you're happy and now I have a little job for you. If you're happy and you know it -- help a friend.

First of all, it's your civic duty. Secondly, it's rewarding in more ways than one and finally, it's in the best interest of the greater good. We've all heard of random acts of kindness, right? While I'm sure all kinds of kindness are appreciated, I don't think our kindness needs to be necessarily random. In fact, I think it's pretty important that we handpick the objects of our affection because, well, it's plain and simple, some need it a little more than others.

Can't you think of at least one friend or relative whose happy flag is barely flying at half mast? Someone who doesn't complain but has a lot of ammunition if they ever wanted to start? Perhaps someone older who doesn't get out much and would beam for hours if you just picked up the phone to say hello?

Odds are that right now someone you can help is dealing with something horrible -- a health scare, a breakup, bankruptcy or death. Pay attention so that you avoid neglecting those who nurtured you, and make a conscious effort to make someone else's day.

Now, I'm not expecting you to change the world for everybody -- just change the day for somebody and then do it again tomorrow and the next day.

Currently, I'm doing my part by counseling quite a few ladies devastated by recent developments in the relationship department. How am I qualified for such a position you may ask? The answer is simple ... I was appointed. Much like alcoholics choose a sponsor, a couple of my friends who are going through breakups have chosen me as a crutch. That entails early morning coffee talks, late night wine chats, tears, advice, laughter and time -- the most important element.

I call it boot camp for break-ups and it seems to be working. Generally people complain about how there aren't enough hours in the day. That is of course not the case when you happen to be extremely sad and are trying not to call or think about a certain someone. Which is why it is extremely important to have a breakup buddy who's thick-skinned enough to not only listen to the same open-ended questions and wonderment of "what went wrong"? they're also there to answer with "he went wrong, that's what happened."

Then it's all about keeping those teetering on the edge of depression busy, happy and hydrated. What's the best way to cheer someone up and usually the first idea anyone suggests when they want to be of help? Cocktails and company! There's just nothing like slipping into something a little more comfortable and getting down to the core of the issue with friends. Then comes the laughter -- which is of course the best medicine.

Case in point. Everyone knows what beer goggles are, right? They are certainly not an accessory you want to be notorious for sporting and should be reserved for very few special occasions if any. The same goes for booze shoes -- a term that was coined the other night after an embarrassing footwear fiasco.

In her haste to hurry and help a friend, someone in the group, and I won't name any names, threw on two different shoes -- one red and one black -- and didn't even notice. Granted it was dark in her apartment, she was rushing around after a glass or three of wine, and the shoes she picked were somewhat similar.

OK, let's just say that I thought I was wearing my Kino sandals, but it turns out I was kickin' my Ki -- oh -- no's!

Thankfully, I got by with a little help from my friends, who kindly pointed out my tipsy toes before I'd paraded them all around town. We had a few good laughs and somehow I convinced everyone else to swap a shoe so we all looked equally idiotic -- good times.

All I'm saying is that it's fairly easy to pick up the phone, send a card or grab a cup of coffee and offer your time to someone. Take a moment to fill your karma banks, share your sunshine and graciously give when you're able, and receive when you're not.

Everyday your presence is a gift you are able to offer the world -- make sure you're only sharing yourself with worthy recipients.