In case you haven't noticed, what goes around always comes around....

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

10.15.09

How many of you have had your bicycles snatched by some drunken degenerate never to be seen again? I'm willing to wager -- plenty. But how many of you have actually had the pleasure of running into that degenerate as he's leisurely cruising around town on your bright pink bicycle? Not enough sadly, and they're usually gone for good ... but not always.

I've had a few bikes snatched from my possession and spent years searching for them, hoping to come face to face with the culprits who complicated my life. While I know that karma catches up with everyone sooner or later, I must say that I'm a big fan of sooner, and after a recent altercation with a bike thief, you'll surely understand why.

Not only does it get your blood pumping and your adrenaline rushing, but catching someone in the act of ripping you off also gives you super-hero confidence -- which isn't always a good thing. But luckily in our case, after a fury of screams from horn honking hell raisers in high heels ... that poor thug was defeated before he even knew what hit him!

That's right. A couple of weekends ago during the full moon, my friend Courtney and I managed to rob a robber. This was not a premeditated act, nor one I recommend in hindsight. It simply comes down to cause and effect and how sometimes our carnal instincts can't be ignored once we've been blatantly wronged.

So here's how it happened...There was an army of bikes in front of my house Friday night as we made a brief pit stop in between bars. Since our posse wasn't planning on staying long, none of the bikes were locked and as you can imagine, that's when bad things happened.

Sure enough, we came outside moments later to find Courtney's bike missing from the pack. Cascading feelings of being violated quickly turned to anger and despair, and we quickly got in the car to go catch the predator.

I know that the more time that passes, the less likely it is that we'll be getting the bike back and exacting our revenge. But that night we turned onto all the right streets at all the right times and lo and behold, we spotted the bike bandit swerving toward us in the darkness. You can't imagine the anger and neither could he.

I honked the horn, rolled down my window and from the safety of my car yelled that the cops are on the way and he should run. Courtney on the other hand, marched over to the idiot as he was telling us that it was definitely his bike because his sunglasses were in the basket. Nice try wise guy.

Of course as this was all happening, not a single soul walked by and even though it was two against one, I've watched enough Court TV to know that hardly matters.

Regardless, after more horn honking, yelling and insults were thrown at the drunken thief, he begrudgingly got off the hot pink bike and shamefully went on his way. He called us losers as he walked away cloaked in irony, and Courtney proudly rode her bike home with me driving slowly next to her, in the hopes he wouldn't bum rush her and try to take it back.

He didn't and thankfully we escaped unharmed ... and go figure, with an assault weapon he left in the bike basket! It seems for some reason, the thug needed a retractable baton like the one used to beat Nancy Kerrigan back in the day. Good thing he was either too drunk to remember he had it, or he sized up the competition and was scared of a couple of dress-wearing divas.

Whatever the case, we were home safe and armed in case some other moron wanted a piece of action.

While my dad and brother got a kick out of this story, my mom on the other hand believes that my vigilantism should not be celebrated and that I should not be so proud of flirting with danger. I told her she should be relieved knowing that not only am I a self-sufficient woman, I'm also friends with Courtney, the no-nonsense Queen of Clubs, and thus our lives are not in jeopardy ... all that often.

Besides, I've never felt more accomplished, more relieved, more validated than when we returned home with that bike In tow. Not to mention the joy of retelling our crazy story to the girls who were just as shocked to see us marching back home with the stolen bike and some sort of night stick.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and that's especially true on a full moon!


To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

There are many reasons to fall in love with the seasons

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

10.01.09

In case you've been too busy to notice, October has arrived and it's time for us to appreciate another fall in the tropics.

The temperature doesn't drop drastically, and we don't get to experience the aesthetically pleasing view of palm trees changing colors or the satisfaction that comes with raking leaf piles. As a matter of fact, in the Keys, fall sneaks right past summer and slides into our lives with a tiny breeze, only to be recognized after the rest of the country reminds us it's here.

It's already snowing in Colorado (which is not a spin-off of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"). Believe it or not, people are getting their winter coats ready along with their boots, gloves and earmuffs. It's a yearly ritual for most Americans. They easily adjust to the fact that layers are mandatory in the quest for comfort and they are prepared to dress accordingly.

I, however, am no longer one of those Americans. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing like being wrapped in a blanket while watching a football game and drinking hot chocolate. But while I sometimes miss the brisk air that's already greeting the faces of Northerners, I must say that I have not yet grown weary of the constant warmth we get here in the islands. And I highly doubt that I'm the only one who has fallen in love with fall in the Keys.

It's nice to saunter outside in the morning to get the paper without having to worry about putting on socks, pants, a sweatshirt and jacket. Or on the other hand, without suffering from heat stroke before the sun even begins to make its debut for the day (remember July)?.

Instead we get to enjoy the comfort of 86 degree temperatures all day, equally warm waters, and the ability to wear a swimming suit well into the holidays. We're also quite a ways away from retiring our flip-flops, since most serious cold fronts generally wait until December to present themselves.

We are blessed with warm, tropical air to enjoy, comfortable water to float in, and a subtle break in between the African heat and cold sea breezes. However, anytime of year it's possible for you to break into a sweat just by thinking too hard. The Keys are considered to be in a subtropical region, where the average summer and winter temperatures rarely differ by more than 10 degrees.

Key West claims to be the only city in the lower 48 states to never have had a snow, ice or frost, and the coldest temperature ever recorded was 41 F in January of 1886, according to Wikipedia. The average low and high temperatures in January are 67 and 75 F, and whether or not you agree, I say that's perfect weather!

School is in session and well under way, sports are in full swing and the rituals of another year are starting to take shape. We're becoming obsessed with our favorite TV shows, (even the admittedly lame "Dancing with the Stars"), and it's about time to start whipping up some pumpkin pie and making sure there's chili simmering on the stove.

Just because the temperature doesn't drop, doesn't mean we have to drop the ball on the seasons. We just have to incorporate the traditional with the untraditional, which is technically our specialty.

Instead of collecting cold weather gear from the depths of our closets, we're busy pulling out beads and boas as we prepare for all of the Fantasy Fest Festivities. We live in a town that puts the fun in fundraiser and there are countless events that are held to benefit local and national charities.

In fact, that may be the best indicator of the season, based on what events are being hosted on any given weekend. (WomanFest, Bike Week, Goombay, Parrotheads...) We may not be a traditional group, but we are certainly a group that thrives on tradition.

We are islanders. Sure the mountains are magical and forests are fine but to be able to live on an island? That's pretty hard to beat in my book.

But for all the people scattered around the world who are jealous of our tempting temperatures, fear not. I can think of at least one downfall to living on an island surrounded by the sea ... there's coral dust everywhere! You can sweep the floors every day and somehow it will find its way into your bed, hair, purses and cars.... And onto your pets, shoes, food and face.

But personally, I'll take a couple of sandy feet over chapped lips and a runny nose any day.

So until next time, stay cool but don't freeze!

To further inform Miss Informed, contact trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

What's the big Idea? Hopefully you have at least a couple...

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

9.24.09

On occasion, I have been known to conjure up a few great ideas. Haven't we all? I'm talking million dollar, sure to succeed, bona fide and brilliant ideas that get people legitimately excited. We've all thought up adaptations or alterations that can improve everyday life or the human race in general and then we proceed to call ourselves geniuses.

But let me ask you this. How many fantastic ideas have you immediately forgotten, ignored or just kept on the back burner only to find out that these awesome ideas have come to fruition after being pursued by someone else. What!? You should have made something happen because "That was my idea," or "I thought of that first," are both lame proclamations that showcase our lack of motivation.

As Buddha so accurately put it, "an idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea."

Now get moving! Everyone has great ideas, but only a few can pick the right ones to cling to, and follow through with them. It's hard to filter out the fantasy and decide which ideas are bright enough to believe in -- and that's only the first step. Next you have to get the ball rolling by doing your homework and devoting your time to the cause because let's face it, we're not getting any younger.

Either you've already uncovered your million dollar idea and locked it in the vault or you need to get cracking. In my experience, I've found that group brainstorming works best, and if accompanied by a cocktail, it's one of the most productive and rewarding ways to generate a great idea.

I will also suggest that you have a notebook handy because there's nothing worse than forgetting all that was discussed during one of your invention conventions. Just by jotting down your discussion, you've made your concept a little more concrete, which makes it that much easier to complete.

I'm pretty sure that I've overlooked countless column ideas and convinced myself that numerous jokes weren't funny, simply because a writing utensil wasn't within reach. It's a horrible shame because later when I can't remember what I was thinking about, I'm instantly convinced that I just lost the best idea I ever had.

Don't let this happen to you! Don't let the roots of an idea sprout and spread only to wind up dead from lack of attention. Cultivate your creativity and have faith enough to finish what you start. Don't let yourself or others deter you from following through, no matter how far-fetched your ideas may seem.

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." according to the great Albert Einstein.

That being said, I should also mention that we are all responsible for conjuring up some not so bright ideas, which often are the ones we tend to strap ourselves to.

For every fantastic idea we're responsible for, there are about five or 10 bad ones that present themselves and unnecessarily confuse us. This is why I highly recommend group sessions or think tanks as I like to say, so you can get the necessary feedback from your smart friends who don't beat around the bush.

They'll tell you if your ideas are stupid and hopefully provide you with better ideas as you hone in on the details. Just be careful not to share these conversations with your most cunning and ambitious friends, or they could end up running with them and taking all the credit.

Speaking of credit, sometimes we are blessed with good ideas at bad times -- like when we're broke. The hardest part about getting your feet off the ground is that it generally requires time and money, both of which we're usually lacking.

But if you believe in something and are going to take credit for its success, I believe you should do anything in your power (and within the law) to make sure it doesn't fail.

Because what's worse than being a "has been"? Being a "has never." It's safe to say that now's the time to leave behind your legacy -- not sit on your behind. You have to keep trying things until they work and making your own magic or you're just simply wasting space.

I don't know who said the following but I'll gladly take credit because it sums everything up perfectly.

"You can't make footprints in the sand of time while sitting on your butt, and who wants to make butt prints in the sand of time?"

Not this girl, that's for sure.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

Spilt milk can lead to mopped floors -- How chaos turns into cleaning

(9.17.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

I'm a self-proclaimed hazard to the household and destroyer of the peace. I'm definitely not a stranger to the sound of breaking glass and while it's a horrible way to live, I've come to accept the fact that I make messes -- many and often. That's just what I do.

Sometimes these little mishaps are immediately comical, other times they're funny after the fact, but mostly they're annoying and always taking place at the worst possible moments. Not that breaking or spilling things is ever a welcomed occurrence, it's just that when life is already complicated, every added complication sends you one step closer to the edge.

You spill on your shirt just as you're leaving the house when you're already running late. The oven shorts out right as dinner is prepped and ready to go in, or you drop your purse full of electronics into the pool. You most likely already had a full agenda of things you needed to accomplish before these setbacks, but that hardly matters to the complication fairy who swoops right in and forces you to slow down and deal with some drama.

If you feel like you've heard me talk about this before, you're correct, and odds are this won't be the last time I voice my frustration on the subject. Whether it's clothes, sunglasses, cameras, my mind or cold, hard cash ... Something I need always seems to wander off, break or implode right at a crucial moment.

As the days go by and I have had to say goodbye to countless belongings, I can't help but think there has to be a silver lining to this curse of mine. While I'm left scouring drawers and hunting under beds looking for items I've lost, I've got to believe, for my own sanity, that there's a reason . . .

And I think I've finally got it! Even if you don't find what you're looking for during these scavenger hunts -- hopefully after your search you'll be prompted to leave behind a tidier junk drawer and gather and destroy a few of the resident dust bunnies that have made a life under your bed.

This, my friends, is how chaos leads to cleaning.

The same thing goes for spills. You most likely already needed to mop the floor and have been saying so for days, but there's nothing like a bottle of red wine crashing off the fridge and dousing the kitchen to make the chore an immediate priority. And while you're at it, wipe the cabinets down, clean the microwave, do the dishes and clean out the fridge. Phew -- thank you complication fairy -- I needed a little boost.

And haven't we all let our desks go and get a little messy at work? I've heard myself and others proclaim "I need to get my life in order" and I'm almost positive that I've found the solution. Spill your coffee, tea or juice of preference all over your desk. You're forced to throw away unnecessary papers, dust off the surrounding area and quickly conquer the cleaning that comes with disaster relief.

Speaking of which, we all know that Hurricane Wilma was no cup of tea and at the very least, she complicated quite a few lives as the island was lashed by the ocean. But how many people had been collecting junk and accumulating unnecessary knick-knacks until Wilma forced them to do a little house cleaning? How many bars needed a good power washing? The silver lining is that sometimes the world brings us face to face with the very things that we are neglecting.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, we are never going to have everything under control. There will always be weeds in the garden, trash to take out or a squeaky bike begging for our attention, and everyday we pick and choose which chores we're going to deal with and which ones to ignore. Sometimes we choose wisely, and other times we have no choice in the matter whatsoever.

So don't curse the complication fairy when you wake up to find that your wallet is missing and you can't find your keys. Thank her for forcing you to go to the hardware store where you need countless items anyway, and for finally giving you an excuse to replace your horrendous driver's license photo. It's the little things, people -- find them and celebrate.

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@ keysnews.com and to catch up on past ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.

I may not have change for a $20, but I know of 20 things that are about to change

(9.3.09)

By Traci Rork
Miss Informed

It's no secret that life in general is never -- ever -- going to be "in order."

Change however, is always going to be in constant order, and is even harder to shake than Aretha Franklin's catchy tune "Change, change, change."

OK people, I'm fully aware that these are not the actual lyrics to her song "Chain of Fools," but ironically, I changed the words way back when and couldn't resist getting them stuck in your head at such an appropriate time.

Robert C. Gallagher said it best when he proclaimed that "Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine."

Right when you think that life or certain situations are going to start simmering down and falling into place, You find out that you're oh, so wrong.

That's when we're all visited by the complication fairy, who messes with our lives in a way so twisted it's dizzying. Haven't you noticed that as soon as you wash your sheets, the cat pukes on your bed, that birds do serious damage to a freshly washed car and dogs know just which shoes to chew? Or right when you feel like your business is booming and your problems are so close to solved, the whole place burns down leaving you penniless and dumbfounded? Well, "Change, change, change"... because you have no choice.

Every single second, people are changing their clothes, minds, jobs, hobbies, locations, friends, diapers, spouses, and some even change their spouse's diapers. Some changes are welcomed and wanted while others are dreaded and devastating, but they are the common denominator among us.

Whenever you ask someone "what's new with you?" and they say, "oh, not much," -- don't believe them. Something's changed but everyone's not always up for discussing their life, especially if it's as complicated as things can often get.

And just so you know, generally the good, bad, happy and sad changes collide and bombard our lives simultaneously as part of what I like to call, "The change gang."

You've heard people say "Can anything else go wrong?" Or, "If it isn't one thing, it's five more." I've often heard people say that after their lives have been switched, changed and rearranged.

Truth be told, we can certainly handle a whole lot more than we ever imagined possible, and have to find out the hard way. But it's proof that we are still alive and it's a daily dare not only to go with the flow, but to frolic in the flow. To make the best of the worst and to help anyone you can to do the very same.

There always will be unchecked items on your To Do list, and hopefully there always will be a tomorrow for you to pick up where you left off. Just make sure that you take a little time to notice where you are at any given moment, count your blessings and spend time with those who are important to you, before things get hectic again -- which they always tend to do.

And remember, just when life seems peachy and brag-worthy and all of your ducks seem to be waddling together in a perfect row, watch out! That's when the tide shifts, your peaches rot and your ducks start wandering off along with your sanity.

But fear not, change isn't always a horrendous hustler. It's a fickle and often friendly enemy that can pay you a visit after every emotion has been exhausted and your very existence has been challenged. That's because many people turn to their faith, families, friends and strangers after tragedy strikes.

Which could very well be the entire point of tragedy to begin with.

Many people are currently juggling house guests, bankruptcy, car problems, plumbing issues, family feuds, arrests and death ... So all of these "change, change, changes" are a big part of life. We live through these times, we change because of them, and then we keep on waiting to change some more.

To further inform Miss Informed, please e-mail trork@keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

Have you played with yourself lately? Happiness is in your hands!

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.13.09)

I just want everyone to take a moment to think about how much fun you have by yourselves. Now don't get all excited you creeps, nothing perverted is intended here.

Do you genuinely enjoy your own company? Do you laugh at your own jokes, dance when no one is looking and find yourself thoroughly entertaining? Well if you don't ... we won't, so start paying attention.

Quality time doesn't have to require a counterpart. In fact, I highly recommend alone time, which is not to be confused with loneliness.

In the past I've talked about remembering to send cards to your grandmas, being generous with your time and other necessary niceties that fill the karma bank and spread some sunshine. But now I think it's time we start investing in ourselves and taking good care of number one.

Some may say it's selfish to seclude yourself from the world and your loved ones, but I say it's selfish not to. If we're not happy with ourselves to begin with, what good are we to anyone else? It's time everyone starts to realize that your happiness depends on you -- not your circumstances.

For example, are you a total grump who could squeeze out a smile periodically but fights the urge just to maintain your snide image? Does everyone you encounter annoy you, seem inferior, and here only to complicate your life? Take a little break to envision rainbows and butterflies or cotton candy and French fries -- whatever makes you happy.

You can't fight a smile forever and you're not doing anyone any favors by being miserable. All around the world there are plenty of cynical, jaded and negative people lurking among us. Just last week I had the pleasure of encountering a few on our own island. To them I say, "You can blame the full moon but I blame you."

"Some pursue happiness -- others create it," someone smart once said and now I'm echoing that sentiment.

You choose to be happy, and you should start every morning by standing in front of a mirror. Quit waiting for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet, your mom to come over and do your laundry or a rich uncle to die and leave you everything. Instead, take a good, long look at yourself. Not your circumstances, but your self.

Guess what? You are someone's Prince Charming ... You are someone's doting mother ... You are someone's boss or mentor and you're "good enough, smart enough and doggone-it -- people like you!"

Now after repeating this Saturday Night Live mantra, flare your nostrils 10 times and try not to laugh. Do the Elvis lip curl and then try and switch sides. Pretty funny huh? Do the dishes in high heels, or clean your house with the music blaring and dance from room to room. Write in a journal and read it often and make your life sound as fabulous as you want it to be. Have fun ... Completely alone.

Key West locals are often lollygagging from birthday party to happy hour with a few barbecues thrown in between. Even during the slow days of summer, there are plenty of festivities to attend, as we happen to cohabitate on a party island of epic proportions.

But for the sake of the entire human race -- schedule a party of one on occasion and make sure you do a little inventory.

Happiness does not depend on what car you drive, how impressive your job is or what kind of family you're blessed/cursed with. Happiness is more of a decision, a state of mind that can affect the poor just as easily as it can avoid the rich.

Money doesn't buy happiness, love doesn't cure all, and dreams don't always come true. In fact, according to Aristotle, it's all quite simple, "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient."

So, if you want to be happy -- start cheering yourself up! Make yourself the perfect cup of coffee, take yourself on an early morning stroll or flirt with yourself in the mirror while no one's looking. "How you doin'?"

Bottom line: Enjoy yourself -- and others will be tempted to do the same.

To further inform Miss Informed e-mail trork@ keysnews.com, and to catch up on previous ramblings, visit tracirork.blogspot.com.

I may have just broken the law but if I did, so did you ... and you

By Traci Rork Paradise Staff

(8.6.09)

Now before the cops start breaking down my door I should probably clarify a few things. I didn't rob a bank, beat anyone up or illegally trap lobster. Believe it or not, I was actually trying to make the world a better place by improving the planet's fiscal woes when I committed this questionable deed.

It just so happened that immediately after the alleged and purely innocent act, I couldn't help but gasp and google my way through the Internet to find out if I had indeed just broken the law and defaced a dollar bill.

For the record, I didn't scribble on George Washington's face or write "for a good time call ..." it was much more mature and necessary than that. You see, a while ago I stumbled upon a dollar bill that said "Anyone who receives this will be blessed with a lot of money."

Perfect! It was like an unexpected fortune cookie had just landed in my wallet telling me what I wanted and needed to hear. So I did what anyone else would do and tucked it away waiting for the magic to happen. Well, I'm still waiting, so when I stumbled upon my "lucky" buck the other day, I paid more attention to detail.

It also said, "write this on 10 other bills -- it works." I told myself, "hello -- no wonder you haven't been blessed in the bank yet ... You haven't fulfilled your end of the deal."

Now I know what you're thinking. Nice job idiot! We've all gotten threatening chain letters and e-mails that pester us into pestering 10 others so as not to disrupt our karma. We've ignored and erased them and lived to tell about it with no tragedies directly related to how we handled those pushy suggestions.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so forgive me for wanting to spread a little hope and sunshine into a financially bleak world (and for selfishly yearning to somehow win the lottery without ever buying a ticket).

Times are tough, so much so, that I could only scrounge up two measly dollars to write the mantra on and possibly secure my fate and fortune. Go figure, and to top it off, had I just committed a felony punishable by up to six months in jail?

After extensive research I'm happy to inform you that I'm not currently a fugitive. Apparently, it's not illegal to write on your money per say ... you're just not supposed to mutilate, cut, glue together or burn your dough (according to title 18, section 333 of the United States Code). Basically, if you can still read and spend the money, you're pretty much OK.

Well that's a good thing for everyone who has stapled a dollar bill with their name on it at various bars and restaurants across the country. There are even a couple places in the Keys were you can find a dizzying array of cash that overlaps, dangles and sheds light on the people who once possessed -- and ultimately ended the ongoing journey of -- a dollar bill.

Money travels far and wide, housed in the pockets of plenty of people from all walks of life. The average life of a $1 bill in circulation is 21 months before it is replaced due to wear, according to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Think about how many places a dollar can go in nearly a year. How many people it can link together every second and the millions of possibilities of profound contradiction it provides daily.

How many church donation baskets are filled with money once used to gamble or buy drugs? And by the way, how many school lunches or cups of coffee are bought with dollars that were once tucked in a stripper's thong? The list goes on.

You see, passing these notes from person to person has become such a practiced part of our lives that we don't even pay much attention to what we hold in our hands. We don't really take the time to visualize all of the people who have also touched that same piece of paper and carried it through a part of their life.

If they could talk, those little, green, rectangular pieces of paper we see, touch and smell everyday -- would have quite the story to tell ... And some already do. I'm not trying to start a defacing movement here or anything, I'm just saying ... what a limitless way to send a message.

So, to ensure that your day won't be cloaked in chaos and tainted with tragedy, quickly distribute 10 $1 bills that say "Miss Informed is my favorite columnist and definitely deserves a raise."

To further inform Miss Informed, e-mail trork@keys news.com and to catch some of her previous ramblings, go to tracirork.blogspot.com.